Computer humour


#640

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”


#641

Q: Where’s the best place to hide a body?
A: Page two of Google Search.


#642

I tried to read the EULA because I wanted to know what I was agreeing to.
My coworker said not to bother.
So I clicked Accept.
Now I’m cleaning toilets at Microsoft.


#643

Two IT students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second IT student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, “Take what you want.”, so I took the bike.

The first IT student nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t fit.”


#644

If programming languages had honest slogans, what would they be?

  • Java: Bringing corporate bureocracy from your organization to your code.

  • C: I don’t care what you think, I’m faster than you.

  • C++: We bundle every programming language in a single language.

  • Lisp: Because AI and Lists have so much in common.

  • Haskell/Agda: You can write compile time programs and run time programs… At the same time.

  • Go: Abandon all common sense gathered on the last 20 years all ye who enter here.

  • JavaScript:
    Car is to carpet as Java is to JavaScript.
    A language so flexible it even runs on Internet Explorer
    I promise to call you back

  • PHP:
    Quantum computing done slowly
    Everything fluctuates in this universe, including your site’s reliability

  • Swift: Functional programming blessed by Steve

  • C#: Bringing world class PL research to life and showing how science deteriorates when applied.

  • Scala: Making Java even more ugly and more useful

  • Ruby: We always knew PHP was a bad idea, so we fixed it… In theory

  • Cobol: Only the good die Young, all the evil seems to live forever

Edit:
Source with a lot more witty replies:

https://www.quora.com/If-programming-languages-had-honest-slogans-what-would-they-be


#645

fix-computer-help-with-self-esteem


#646

Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.


#647

The guy who invented predictive text died last night. - his funfair is next monkey.


#648

What do Facebook employees do to waste their time at work?


#649

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!” He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


#650

John took Mary out for a romantic dinner, where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. John had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was still studying and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling John they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer.

During dessert, John suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she had collected herself, she looked up and said “Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”

John got down on bended knee. “Darling,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”


#651

Customer: I cleaned my computer and now it’s broken!
PC Technician: What did you clean it with?
Customer: Soap and water.
PC Techinician: You’re not suppose to use water near a computer!
Customer: I don’t think it was the water that broke it…….I think it was the spin cycle!


#652

secplan2


#653

wordopt


#654

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash; and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash, Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro-code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


#655

millenium%20bug


#656

PICNIC - Problem In Chair, Not In Computer


#657

DOS is, quite possibly, the worst text-adventure game ever.


#658

Programmer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.


#659

And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree™, so if you receive any bug-reports on it, you know they are just evil lies.
– Linus Torvalds