I don’t think there are any easy alternatives to SEO, but there are a few things you can use alongside SEO to reduce your dependence on it a little bit at least.
1 - Paid advertising
Adwords is the obvious one, but you could advertise directly on other sites, and use traditional print or outdoor ads to drum up traffic. You ned to do your research on your ideal clients before entering down this route, but it can be very very effective in getting your business/website in front of the right people at the right time.
2 - Organic link building
Yes it is a bit like SEO, in that you are trying to get links to better your SERP, but this way you won’t be keyword stuffing etc. Content, as ever, is king and if you truly offer better content or better services than competitors you should be able to get links back. Write relevant, interesting and unique content that is genuinely useful to potential clients and those making use of social media may help to get the word out. Infographics for example can be useful tools for business describing the state of their industry, and adding easy tweet buttons can help their spread.
3 - Social Media
Social media is all about two things - relationships and conversation(s). If you are in the B2B sector then you’re absolutely right, building a Facebook page won’t do you much good in all likelihood.
LinkedIn on the other hand can be useful for cementing real world business connections and also for making that second degree jump to other potential clients that have relationships with your current clients or employees. Keeping a LinkedIn page for your company and keeping all your contact details and business relationships up to date on their is not a massive task, and can be genuinely useful even if it only has a very small effect on your marketing.
Twitter, unlike Facebook and LinkedIn, lets you build out your relationships. Find possible competitors and potential clients and follow them. Be helpful, answering relevant questions they pose, and keep and eye on Twitter search terms and relevant hashtags - again answering questions related to your industry. Twitter is not the place to upsell your products - people will reject it as spam - but it is the place to create relationships and can be very useful if you utilize it correctly. Being able to watch searchterms and hashtags also lets you follow the conversations relevant to you, letting you interject with help, critiques of competitor’s practices, etc. It is a brand building exercise in the most part, but some search engine algorithms are starting to take social media into account as it is more difficult to SEO 140 characters and real people.
In short - no there isn’t any real replacement for SEO, but by making it part of a larger group of methods you can reduce reliance on it a little.
PS - loved the use of “moonspeak” as well - I’m going to start using that.