The best letter ever to a bank manager?

[lloydi]

How's this for a beaut:

> >This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United
> >States. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish
> >in the New York Times.
> >
> >Dear Sir:
> >I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with
> >which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my
> >calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed
> >between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
> >account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
> >course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
> >salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
> >place for eight years. You are to be commended for
> >seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
> >debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
> >inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness
> >springs from the manner in which this incident has
> >caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You
> >have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No
> >more will our relationship be blighted by these
> >unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs
> >in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes
> >and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no
> >greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and
> >proud to hear it.
> >
> >To this end, please be advised about the following
> >changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally
> >attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try
> >to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal,
> >ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
> >bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only
> >to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and
> >loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
> >longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
> >check, addressed personally and confidentially to an
> >employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.
> >
> >You will be aware that it is an offense under the
> >Postal Act for any other person to open such an
> >envelope. Please find attached an Application for
> >Authorized Contact Status which I require your chosen
> >employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
> >pages, but in order that I know as much about him or
> >her as your bank knows about me, there is no
> >alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
> >medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of
> >the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
> >financial situation (income, debts, assets and
> >liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
> >In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN
> >number which he/she must quote in all dealings with
> >me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits
> >but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button
> >presses required to access my account balance on your
> >phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
> >sincerest form of flattery.
> >
> >Let me level the playing field even further by
> >introducing you to my new telephone system, which you
> >will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized
> >Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
> >have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
> >answered by an automated voice. Press buttons as
> >follows:
> >
> >1) To make an appointment to see me;
> >2) To query a missing payment;
> >3) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
> >there;
> >4) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
> >sleeping;
> >5) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
> >attending to nature;
> >6) To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am
> >not at home;
> >7) To leave a message on my computer [to leave a
> >message a password to access my computer is required:
> >password will be communicated at a later date to the
> >Authorized Contact];
> >8) To return to the main menu and listen carefully to
> >options 1 through 7;
> >9) To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
> >Authorized Contact will then be put on hold, pending
> >the attention of my automated answering service.
> >
> >While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
> >uplifting music will play for the duration.
> >This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of
> >Woody Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With
> >a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with
> >silver, That the miners sweated for." After twenty
> >minutes of that, our mutual Contact will probably know
> >it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the
> >matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out,
> >the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
> >cost, a cost which you have always been quick to pass
> >on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some
> >costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising
> >material you send me. This I will read for a fee of
> >$20 per page. Inquiries from your Authorized Contact
> >will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in
> >response. Any debits to my account, as, for example,
> >in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check,
> >will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs
> >at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come
> >for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
> >inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but
> >again following your example, I must also levy an
> >establishment fee of 2% of my balance or $50 (whichever
> >is more) to cover the setting up of this new
> >arrangement.
> >
> >May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less
> >prosperous, New Year.
> >Your humble client,

[Dan Morgan]

I think I first read that about a year ago.

Still good though

[Nicky]

That was very good.

[Saz]

Haven't seen that before. Made me laugh lots!

Wonder if the bank sent him a reply?

[Droopy]

Cool

[weirdbeardmt]

I read something similar from a disgruntled NTL customer. Sadly though it wasn't quite as courteous, so I can't print it here...

[Saz]

Yeah, I saw that one too. Not really 'postable' but very funny!

[siphilp]

That's perfect LOL
What did the bank reply with, anyone know?


Si

[moospot]

I read something similar from a disgruntled NTL customer

Can somebody send this to me?

[weirdbeardmt]

I don't have it anymore, and I wouldn't have posted it here!

[TheOriginalH]

First saw this nearly two years ago, with English currency. I'm guessing it was never genuinely sent, but it's funny nonetheless