Side Effects

[Technosailor]

Side Effects
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 - WBAL Radio

DOSAGE: Take two tablets every six hours for joint
pain.

SIDE EFFECTS: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea,
headache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, or ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, contact your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill: like wise avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. Okay foods: flounder. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the ***** is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in 30 percent of users - sorry: 50 per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine with audible raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; up to one knee buckler per day is allowable. Bowel movements may ecome frequent, in fact every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or in fact any doctor or anyone who will speak to you. Do not pilot a plan, unless you are in the 10 per cent of users who experience "spontaneous test pilot knowledge." If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be considered a "countdown." May cause stigmata in Mexicans. If a fungus begins to grow between your eyebrows call the Guiness Book of World Records. Do not operate heavy machinery, especially if you feel qualified for a desk job; that's good advice anytime. May cause famine and pustules. This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Do not take this drug if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900MHz, or you will be very dead very fast. We are assuming you have had the chicken pox. You may also experience a growing with dissatisfaction with life, along witha deep sense of melancholy - join the club! The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to get caught on the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat, while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage.