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Jalal_007 · Nov 21, 2003, 17:50

Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC.

OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes:

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.

HAMMER
The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.

WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes.

SHOOTING
A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'.

BOXING
Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

TIME TRIAL
The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.

ARCHERY
Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.

DISCUS
Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

PILLOW EATING
The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.

GRAFFITI
To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.

BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.

CLOSING CEREMONY
In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.

They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'.

Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pissing on it.

The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.

Fizzman · Nov 21, 2003, 18:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jalal_007

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jalal_007

WEIGHTLIFTING
From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jalal_007

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jalal_007

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jalal_007

MEN'S 50Km WALK
Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jalal_007

RELAY
Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jalal_007

GRAFFITI
To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jalal_007

BASEBALL
Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.

Mincer · Nov 22, 2003, 05:30

Errrr, Old!

seanf · Nov 22, 2003, 13:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jalal_007

Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence

Hmmm, wife-beating jokes. Has it been 22.3 years?

Sean

astericks · Nov 23, 2003, 02:27

Liverpool rhymes with football [soccer for some] and the 18 Championship titles, and maybe the Beatles.

Waht the hell is the olympics going there for

Nov 21, 2003, 17:50	#1
Jalal_007 SitePoint Member Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: London, UK Posts: 15	Liverpool bid 4 Olympics in 2012! Did you know that Liverpool had put a bid in for the Olympics? Here is a section of their bid that was leaked from the IOC. OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area of the City, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shell suit. THE EVENTS In previous Olympics Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes: 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of a starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles, ie car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc. HAMMER The competitors will be allowed to make a choice of hammer, (Claw, Sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time. WEIGHTLIFTING From a standing position competitors will have various electronic goods placed in their arms. In order to complete a lift these must then be taken through the shop door and placed in a mate's van. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within five minutes. SHOOTING A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines The targets to be as follows: 1 - A Moving Police Van 2 - A Post Office Clerk 3 - A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver 4 - Their next door neighbours youngest child NB - This target to be followed by the ritual cry of 'I thought he was a Bizzy' or 'He pulled a knife on me'. BOXING Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be give 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home - Against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above however this time the break in must occur at Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer. TIME TRIAL The competitor who can waste the most of the court's valuable time before being found guilty will be adjudged the winner. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking & entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up dog ****, crisp packets and used hypodermic syringes on their way round. MEN'S 50Km WALK Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool? A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled. RELAY Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars. ARCHERY Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body. DISCUS Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced. PILLOW EATING The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner. GRAFFITI To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling. BASEBALL Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins. CLOSING CEREMONY In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pissing on it. The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.

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Nov 22, 2003, 05:30	#3
Mincer SitePoint Wizard Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: London \| UK Posts: 1,144	Errrr, Old!

Nov 23, 2003, 02:27	#5
astericks My precious!!! Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 2,022	Liverpool rhymes with football [soccer for some] and the 18 Championship titles, and maybe the Beatles. Waht the hell is the olympics going there for