Some Funny Stuff

[Chris Roane]

Hi,

Here are a few "phrases" that I found that I think are pretty funny.

~~~WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER! ~~~

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

5. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

6. I pay your salary!

7. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

8. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

9. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

10. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"


Stupid Things In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(I gotta wonder...Was there a problem with this happening somewhere?)


I thought those were pretty funny. Hope you liked them too.

Chris Roane

[mjames]

Hehe, funny stuff Chris.

[Sahti]

good thing my chair has arms. That Swedish warning almost had me on the floor
--Bill

[Chris Roane]

lol

[daniel_eastley]

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

can we please not mock Sainsbury's! It is my part time place of work!! - ( I like that smilie! and this one - - oh and to be really annoying; I like this one aswell - )

[Edited by daniel_eastley on 09-23-2000 at 04:32 PM]

[Nicky]

There ase some good sites out there with this stuff. I will see if I can find some on my bookmarks.

[Chris Roane]

Hi,

Nicky, I would really appreciate it if you could do that for me. I have been trying to find sites that have this kind of stuff on them.

Thanks!

Chris Roane

[jamesglewisf]

To Be or Not to Be?
Now that's a stupid question

You know there just aren't enough good stories about barium enemas. (Or as the medical profession prefers to call them, BE's). For those of you who don't know what a BE is: First, they stick a balloon up your hiney and inflate it. Then they shoot a barium solution through the balloon and into your colon so they can take X-rays. This all takes about 8-10 minutes. Then they remove the balloon, and you rush into the restroom to flush the barium solution from your colon, if you know what I mean.

The balloon is not just to add frivolity to the occasion. It prevents the barium solution from leaking out during the X-ray. I will have to admit, however, that I now look twice at any clown bearing wiener dog balloons. In fact, I'm downright suspicious of anyone with a balloon.

I had a spare ten minutes one morning and went down to my local radiologist for a barium enema. After the procedure was over and I returned from the restroom, the radiologist asked me a question. Now you tell me, was she making light of the situation or asking a serious question when she said, "Do you still have your appendix?" I wasn't sure either.

Believe me, there is nothing I find more attractive than a woman with a sense of humor and a pair of rubber gloves, but her question caught me off guard. I could have handled, "Now then, did everything come out all right in the end?" Or maybe, "Would you like a glass of water?" But "Do you still have your appendix?" was not the question I expected. All I knew was that I had one before we started.

Before you have a barium enema, you are given what's known as a Prep Kit. A Prep Kit has a series of instructions and some laxatives to take at predetermined times. The idea is to remove all substances from your colon so that you can get clear X-rays. Well, I found the instructions in the Prep Kit rather funny.

First, you are told to follow the instructions exactly because if your colon is not completely cleared out, you may have to repeat the barium enema. I must have read the instructions, I don't know, 30 times. There were no parts left over when I finished my prep kit.

Second, try to guess which word was used to describe going to the restroom. Bowel movement? No. Defecate? No. #2? No. Poop? No. They chose to use "evacuate." Danger. Danger. The building is on fire. Please evacuate the premises immediately.

Third, you are warned that "Individual responses to laxatives vary widely. Remain within easy reach of toilet facilities." Luckily, the toilet in my apartment was strategically located in the center of the building. That way, regardless of where I was in my apartment, I could evacuate as quickly as possible. I also had exit signs installed which clearly indicated the fastest route to take in case of an emergency evacuation.

To BE or not to BE? Definitely not to BE.

This story was published at MarriedAdults.com.

[Chris Roane]

That was pretty funny.

Chris Roane