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  1. #126
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    ...well, it made me laugh...

    ..also got me hit by the girl behind me !
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  2. #127
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
    following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a
    shipwreck:

    2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
    2 French men and 1 French woman
    2 German men and 1 German woman
    2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
    2 English men and 1 English woman
    2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
    2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
    2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
    2 American men and 1 American woman
    2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

    One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
    middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
    menage-a-trois.

    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
    the German woman.

    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
    cleaning and cooking for them.

    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
    English woman.

    The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another
    long look at the Bulgarian woman, and
    started swimming.

    The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

    The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant
    and a laundry, and have got the woman
    pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

    The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the
    American woman keeps endlessly
    complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do
    everything they can do; the necessity of
    fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm
    trees make her look fat; how her last
    boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how
    her relationship with her mother is
    improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

    The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a
    distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
    sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're
    satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

    Remember people...

    "Before you criticise a man, first walk a mile in his shoes.
    Then you'll be a mile away. And have his shoes
    roy.lu
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  3. #128
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    You missed out the Welsh people. Something along the lines of abandoning the woman to go look for some sheep.
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    » Matt's debating is not a crime «
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf φ Clicky

  4. #129
    The Legend Indian's Avatar
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    Unhappy

    I'm disappointed...
    Death --the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening.

    TinyPlanet.org
    Discuss and Debate World Events, Politics and Religion

  5. #130
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    Talking this is soooooo late but still funny...

    The Birth of a Tradition

    One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and buggered off, heaven knows where. More stress.Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple
    cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
    He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

    Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  6. #131
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  7. #132
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Slightly dated, and I disagree, but funny nonetheless:

    Top 10 Reasons Star Trek Is Better Than Star Wars

    10. Deanna Troi discarded the bun after one season. Princess Leia still has those donut braids.
    9. Worf's speech is at least intelligible, but Harrison Ford has to translate for Chewbacca.
    8. Star Trek villains do NOT have asthma.
    7. Star Wars spawned "Battlestar Galactica." The worst Star Trek ever did was "Babylon Five."
    6. Spock-- 'nuff said.
    5. Star Trek-- the first space shuttle. Star Wars-- a hare-brained nuclear defense system.
    4. Kirk met "God" and told him off; Sisko met Q and decked him flat; Luke Skywalker met Yoda and was speechless.
    3. Star Wars androids look like electronic trash cans on wheels. Star Trek androids look like some people's ideal in masculine beauty.
    2. Star Wars: Princess Leia.
    Star Trek: Lt. Uhura, Nurse Chapel, Yeo. Rand, Lt. Saavik, Cmr.Troi, Dr.Crusher, Lt. Yar, Ens. Ro, Dr. Pulaski, Nurse Ogawa, Amb. K'ehleyr, Amb. Lwaxana Troi, Col Kira, Lt. Cmr. Dax, Kai Winn, Lursa, B'etor, Cmr. Sela, Vash, Adm. Netcheyev, Cpn.Janeway, Lt. Torres, Kes, 7 of 9
    Hmm. . .
    1. Star Trek consists of 10 movies and 5 TV series, a total of approximately 375+ hours, a figure climbing at warp speed. Star Wars, despite its following, is limited to 3 movies, a total of about 6 hours.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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  8. #133
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    FISHING

    Code:
    A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern
    Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The
    wife likes to read.
    
    One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
    and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,
    the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short
    distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
    
    Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
    woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
    
    "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
    
    "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
    
    "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
    
    "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write
    you up."
    "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
    woman.
    "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
    "That's true, but you have all the equipment."
    
    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she also thinks.
    Regular user

  9. #134
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    hehe - I like that one
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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  10. #135
    ********* Genius Mike's Avatar
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    Ya, pretty good
    Mike
    It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

  11. #136
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    is that the reason i'm not paying tv license for?

    i've got a tv (the equipment) but i'm not watching bbc... it's aminly used for ps2
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  12. #137
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Exclamation Important Notice

    IMPORTANT NOTICE:

    If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state post code" should have read "pull rip cord."
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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  13. #138
    The Legend Indian's Avatar
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    Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
    Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

    The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

    Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
    Death --the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening.

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  14. #139
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Indian
    Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
    Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

    The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

    Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  15. #140
    The Legend Indian's Avatar
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    Talking Another one:

    The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

    He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

    All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

    After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
    Death --the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening.

    TinyPlanet.org
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  16. #141
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    >When you're happy and you know it bomb Iraq
    >
    >If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If the terrorists are frisky,
    >
    >Pakistan is looking shifty,
    >
    >North Korea is too risky,
    >
    >Bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
    >
    >So to hell with the inspections,
    >
    >Let's look tough for the elections,
    >
    >Close your mind and take directions,
    >
    >Bomb Iraq.
    >
    >It's "pre-emptive non-aggression", bomb Iraq.
    >
    >Let's prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
    >
    >They've got weapons we can't see,
    >
    >And that's good enough for me
    >
    >'Cos it's all the proof I need
    >
    >Bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If you think Saddam's gone mad,
    >
    >With the weapons that he had,
    >
    >(And he tried to kill your dad),
    >
    >Bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If your corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
    >
    >If your politics are sleazy,
    >
    >And hiding that ain't easy,
    >
    >And your manhood's getting queasy,
    >
    >Bomb Iraq.
    >
    >Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
    >
    >For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
    >
    >Disagree? We'll call it treason,
    >
    >Let's make war not love this season,
    >
    >Even if we have no reason,
    >
    >Bomb Iraq.


    -------------------------------

    yea... whatever! (...this is my united states of whatever...)
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  17. #142
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    Affairs, affairs, affairs,...

    1.
    There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of rying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to
    the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
    beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife smiled sweetly and said, -"Not this time".

    2.
    A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
    "I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a
    briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

    3.
    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
    slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you.”There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  18. #143
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Dunno it's been posted in this thread already...

    I'm sure you've seen it all before, but hey... it's still funny.

    HER DIARY:

    He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a pub for a
    drink, I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
    might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he
    didn't say anything much about it.

    The conversation was very slow going, so I thought we should go off
    somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this
    restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny, so I tried to cheer him up
    and started to wonder whether it was me or something else.

    I asked him, and he said no but I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the
    car on the way back home I said that I loved him deeply and he just put
    his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he
    didn't say it back or anything, this is really worrying me.
    We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me!
    So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV and sat with
    a distant look in his eyes that seemed to say 'its all over between us'.
    Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed, then after about 10 minutes, he
    joined me and to my surprise he responded to my advances and we made love.
    But he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to
    confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
    I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he is seeing
    someone else and that my life is a disaster.




    HIS DIARY:

    England lost. Got a shag though.
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    » Matt's debating is not a crime «
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  19. #144
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    not seen that one before, very funny and how true
    Regular user

  20. #145
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Sarah
    not seen that one before, very funny and how true
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    » Matt's debating is not a crime «
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf φ Clicky

  21. #146
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    ....about how the guy never says what is on his mind and leaves us girlies to guess ...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    who then get it totally wrong
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    so its true that men only think about football and sex

    Regular user

  22. #147
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Hey, I don't like football....
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  23. #148
    ********* Genius Mike's Avatar
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    Mike
    It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

  24. #149
    Skills to Pay the Bills Sparkie's Avatar
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    New Puzzle

    A blonde called her boyfriend one evening to help her put together a new puzzle she had just bought.

    She said "Its got over a thousand pieces, but I can't figure it out..Can you come over and help me?"

    The boyfriend asked "What's the puzzle supposed to look like?"

    The blonde answered "Well, according to the box, it's supposed to be a rooster."

    So the boyfriend goes over to her house to help. When he gets there, he sees that she's got the pieces strewn out all over the table, and she's looking quite perplexed and frustrated.

    He takes one look at the box, sighs.. puts his arms on her shoulders and says:

    "Honey.. The first thing I need to tell you, is that you're not going to get anything that even remotely resembles a rooster."

    "Secondly..Close your eyes, take a deep breath and.."

















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  25. #150
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    excellant!
    Regular user


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