I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.
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I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.
Hey, this thread's 100 posts old
So, one for the ladies (and blondes) among us:
He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
[b]Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
[b]A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened *.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
*does not apply to single men
~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS
ha ha excellant heard some of those but they still make me laugh - too darn true too
the best !!!He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!
Regular user
Warning
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice-
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Thanks.
P.S. I'd probably change your sig to "If it ain't broke... don't break it!" (my fave).
I swear to drunk I'm not God.
» Matt's debating is not a crime «
Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf ö Clicky
Bill Gates in Hell
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”
Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh!
...says the one that swaers to drunk that he isn't God...
ts ts ts
Well said Lister!!
FEELING SMARTER THAN SOME OTHER USERS?
Don't feel stupid about using your computer -- read on. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the 'Any' key is.
2. SAT technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another SAT customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid," The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer."
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of
the disk and wondered why there were problems.
11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
13. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Now don't you feel better about your skill level?
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
hahaha
This is hilarious !!Originally posted by ktown
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
hahaha
HAHA
Here's an image attached! It's hilarious! I got it today...Watch it till the end
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious
cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin
turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away,
Afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at
the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed! sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."...
...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".
I swear to drunk I'm not God.
» Matt's debating is not a crime «
Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf ö Clicky
okay just got this one.
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November.
However, Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer in late December, the beloved Reindeer, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be Girls !
But, we should've known.
ONLY WOMEN would be able to drag a fat-*** man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Regular user
Be serious now...Originally posted by Sarah
...and not get lost.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...
" Lord, I have a problem."
" What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic
snake, but I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be
vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger,
faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly
when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create
him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will
be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and
kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need
your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but
what's the catch Lord?"
"Well.....you can have him on one condition."
" And what's that Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will
have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."
Step 1 : Go buy a turkey
Step 2 : Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3 : Put turkey in the oven
Step 4 : Take another two drinks of whiskey
Step 5 : Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6 : Take three more whiskeys of drink
Step 7 : Turn oven the on
Step 8 : Take four whisks of drinkey
Step 9 : Turk the bastey
Step 10 : Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11 : Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12 : Glass yourself another pour of whiskey
Step 13 : Bake the whiskey for four hours
Step 14 : Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15 : Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16 : Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17 : Turk the carvey
Step 18 : Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19 : Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass
of turkey
Step 20 : Bless the saying, pass and eat out
I swear to drunk I'm not God.
» Matt's debating is not a crime «
Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf ö Clicky
I swear to drunk I'm not God...ya right!
These are metaphors from actual GCSE essays:
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh
Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook
latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly
up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly
the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a
paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a
sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black
dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers
raced across the grassy field toward each other like
two freight trains, one having left York
at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from
Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full
stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound
of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during
the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red
crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a
steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it
had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue
during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get
from not eating for a while.
Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving
like a student on 31p-a-pint night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame.
Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like
someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's
Not Butter."
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like
something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda
Jackson MP in her first several points of
parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader
of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary
Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended
one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as
a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free cash-point.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an
oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing
kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of Ecoli and he
was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a
first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed
a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
accidentally staple it to the wall.
Last edited by TheOriginalH; Dec 17, 2002 at 15:46.
~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ' S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK,now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ***."
I swear to drunk I'm not God.
» Matt's debating is not a crime «
Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf ö Clicky
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