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  1. #76
    <?php echo(witty title)?> Sal Petrarca's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Sarah
    check out this article certainly had me chuckling!!
    Geeks...Rock...Your...Box
    Sites:Dark Moon Rising:::My Site

  2. #77
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    Talking The ant and the Grasshopper

    > CLASSIC VERSION:
    >
    > The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
    > house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's
    > a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
    >
    > Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
    > shelter so he dies out in the cold.
    >
    > MODERN VERSION:
    >
    > The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
    > house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's
    > a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
    >
    > Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
    > demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed
    > while others are cold and starving.
    >
    > CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
    > grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
    > table filled with food.
    >
    > America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a
    > country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
    >
    > Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody
    > cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green".
    >
    > Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where
    > the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome". Jesse then
    > has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
    >
    > Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has
    > gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate
    > tax hike on the ant to make him pay for his "fair share".
    >
    > Finally, the EOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,"
    > retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
    >
    > The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs
    > and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is
    > confiscated by the government.
    >
    > Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
    > defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of
    > federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of multi-generation
    > welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
    >
    > The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
    > the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to
    > be the ant's old house, crumbles down around him because he doesn't
    > maintain it.
    >
    > The ant has disappeared into the snow.
    >
    > The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house,
    > now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once
    > peaceful neighborhood.
    >
    > MORAL OF THE STORY:
    >
    > VOTE REPUBLICAN
    >
    >


    Well, I'm not too sure about the moral...
    ...should rather be something like vote anarchism!
    roy.lu
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  3. #78
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    N'other 1

    An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting
    to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden
    she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

    "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is
    happening?"

    "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's
    only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder
    blades for the wings."

    The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries
    on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are
    more bloodcurdling screams.

    "Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is
    happening?"

    "Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having
    their head drilled to fit the halo."

    Shaking her head, the old lady says,
    "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."

    "You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped
    and sodomized."

    "Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the
    holes for that!"
    roy.lu
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  4. #79
    Rent A Cop Dan
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    Some Halloween Humor!

    A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a.....
    BUMP
    BUMP
    BUMP
    behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.....
    BUMP
    BUMP
    BUMP
    The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him.....
    BUMP
    BUMP
    BUMP
    He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through the door with the lid of the coffin clapping.....
    BUMP
    BUMP
    BUMP
    at the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
    pounding! With a crash, the coffin breaks down the door coming slowly towards him. The man, screaming, reaches for something.....anything..... All he can find is a bottle of Vicks Formula 44!

    Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.....
    and, of course, the coffin stops!



    Dan
    Dan's Site
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  5. #80
    ALT.NET - because we need it silver trophybronze trophy dhtmlgod's Avatar
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    Re: Some Halloween Humor!

    Originally posted by MissingArrow
    A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a.....
    BUMP
    BUMP
    BUMP
    behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.....
    BUMP
    BUMP
    BUMP
    The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him.....
    BUMP
    BUMP
    BUMP
    He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through the door with the lid of the coffin clapping.....
    BUMP
    BUMP
    BUMP
    at the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
    pounding! With a crash, the coffin breaks down the door coming slowly towards him. The man, screaming, reaches for something.....anything..... All he can find is a bottle of Vicks Formula 44!

    Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.....
    and, of course, the coffin stops!



    Dan
    I posted that a couple of months ago in the General Chat forum, its a good one

  6. #81
    Rent A Cop Dan
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    Re: Re: Some Halloween Humor!

    Originally posted by dhtmlgod
    I posted that a couple of months ago in the General Chat forum, its a good one :D

    aaahhh and here I thought it was going to be a hit :(

    :off to look for some more halloween humor:

    dan

    edit: fixed a misbehaving smiley...
    Last edited by MissingArrow; Oct 31, 2002 at 10:59.
    Dan's Site
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  7. #82
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Re: Re: Some Halloween Humor!

    Originally posted by dhtmlgod
    I posted that a couple of months ago in the General Chat forum, its a good one
    Really? I think it's more of a

    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  8. #83
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  9. #84
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    Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, "My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that." The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!" The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be, when I finally get it..."

    A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "No problem, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

    Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. 'What are those knives doing in your car?' asked the officer. 'I juggle them in my act.' Oh yeah?' says the cop. 'Let's see you do it.' So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, 'Wow, am glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!'

    Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

    The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating. "

    The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"

    The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."

    The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, how did you get on with the starter pistol?"

    The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said."

    The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"

    The other guy says, "So.... she bit my co**, sh** on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

  10. #85
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
    The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her
    ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear
    "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
    "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".
    The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."
    Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
    "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?"
    She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me".
    He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"
    Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
    "Hoots Mon woman! What d'yehave no knickers?"
    She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any".
    The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit!"
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  11. #86
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    That's funny, but one question. Why does the Englishman and the Irishman give the money to their wives in US$ ?!
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  12. #87
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    errrm... i dunno, just copy&paste it really...
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  13. #88
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
    The brunette team ride in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team ride on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a great time when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top she finds all the blondes frozen in fear staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the hell's goin on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" one of the blondes looks up and says "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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  14. #89
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital...

    "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

    If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

    If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

    If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.



    Regular user

  15. #90
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    whatif you are all of the above?
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  16. #91
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    You might know this one already...

    The Iraqi embassador meets Bush at a UN meeting and says: "You know Goerge, my son is a big fan of the Enterprise. But he is a bit disappointed, you see, there are Asians, Blacks, and Whites, but no Arabs, how can this be?"
    -"Well, you see my friend, the answer to this is quite simple, it's set in the future..."
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  17. #92
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Christmas Pud insructions....

    How to make Christmas Pud:

    You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey. NOTE: Whisky may be replaced with your favourite swill/beverage.

    Directions:
    Sample the whisky to check for quality.
    Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

    Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

    Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

    Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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  18. #93
    SitePoint Member
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    if architects built websites

    I'm sure this crowd will appreciate this one:



    Dear Mr. Architect:

    Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I
    need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have
    somewhere between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the
    plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When
    you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what
    I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so
    that I can arbitrarily pick one.


    Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than
    the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct
    all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my
    kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have
    nearly enough insulation in them).

    As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly
    maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the
    incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or
    composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared
    to explain your decision in detail.)

    Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials
    are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace
    for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that
    kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952
    Gibson refrigerator.

    To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire
    family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also
    our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how
    the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a
    year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come
    to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any
    choices that you make.

    Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to
    develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this
    time,for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of
    the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

    Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build
    the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and
    specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect
    the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

    While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind
    that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It
    therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers.
    Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a
    consensus of the population in my area that they like the features
    this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house
    he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many
    features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the
    75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you
    can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

    Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at
    this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for
    construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held
    accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of
    later design changes.

    You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as
    this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be
    given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very
    often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and
    plans.

    PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the
    instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your
    responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past
    and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this
    responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

    PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer.
    Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

  19. #94
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    travel trailor with up to 45 bedrooms?
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  20. #95
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Not been to Butlins then Lister??
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  21. #96
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    excuse my IGNORANCE, but what/who is/are Butlins?
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  22. #97
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Lister14
    excuse my IGNORANCE, but what/who is/are Butlins?
    As in the holiday camp....
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  23. #98
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Lister14
    excuse my IGNORANCE, but what/who is/are Butlins?

    Kinda like Luxembourg.......only bigger
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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  24. #99
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    Talking Alright then, here we go again...

    The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather
    slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-age
    gentleman.

    "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see
    Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of
    our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."



    No, I must see Natalie". Just then Natalie appeared and
    announced to the man that she charges $1000.00 per
    visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his
    pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a
    room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.



    The next night he appeared again demanding to see
    Natalie. Natalie explained that is was very rare for
    anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1000.00 a visit. Again the
    man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour later, he left.



    When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one
    could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money
    and up to the room they went.



    At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No
    one has ever used my services three nights in a row.
    Where are you from?"

    The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia".

    "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there".

    "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died and
    I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your
    $3,000.00 inheritance".



    MORAL:

    Some things in life are certain:

    Death

    Taxes

    Being screwed by an attorney
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  25. #100
    SitePoint Evangelist ktown's Avatar
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    Dilbert's Rules of Order

    1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

    2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

    3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

    4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

    5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

    6. I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.

    7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

    8. My reality check bounced.

    9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

    10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

    11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

    12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

    13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

    14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

    15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

    16. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

    17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the week.

    18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

    19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

    20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

    21. If it weren t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

    22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

    23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

    24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, " How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"


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