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  1. #51
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    are you sure he's driving himself??
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  2. #52
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things ....

    1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
    2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
    3 - I’m a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
    5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

    Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
    “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  3. #53
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    ouch
    Regular user

  4. #54
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    bad taste but funny

    An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.

    She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her
    Dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this sombre moment.

    Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

    The undertaker apologises and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange.

    The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one
    last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

    When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages
    to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

    She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

    "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about
    your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

    The wife smiled at the man.

    He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of
    swapping the heads"
    Regular user

  5. #55
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
    1 Bar of Soap
    1 Toothbrush
    1 Tube of toothpaste
    1 loaf of bread
    1 pint of milk
    1 apple
    1 banana
    1 orange
    1 plum
    1 grapefruit
    1 tomato
    1 lettuce
    1 cabbage
    1 baking potato
    1 vegetable pakora
    1 muesli bar
    1 pie
    1 frozen pizza
    1 single frozen dinner

    The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is
    carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.
    As she turns he smiles at her and says: "Single, eh?"
    The girl smiles sheepishly and replies: "How did you guess?"
    He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says:
    "Because you're minging"




    A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

    And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

    She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a toss.









    [edit: Minging == Really ugly, foul, rancid, not nice, eeurgh, disgusting etc. Examples of "minging" things would be teenagers feet, pensioners teeth, 3 week old milk left on a hot shelf etc etc...]
    Last edited by TheOriginalH; Oct 29, 2002 at 04:16.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  6. #56
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    That first one is awesome..
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  7. #57
    <?php echo(witty title)?> Sal Petrarca's Avatar
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    I don't get yours, TOH...
    Geeks...Rock...Your...Box
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  8. #58
    SitePoint Zealot Andthensometoo's Avatar
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    Me either. What's 'minging'?
    "If you handle with products .. this is a word to see It"
    elvis.isnotalive.com
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  9. #59
    Fried Gold Polymath's Avatar
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    'minging' means ugly, smelly.

  10. #60
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy Jeremy W.'s Avatar
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    I still dont' get it... What does her shopping list have to do with her being disgusting...?
    SVP Marketing, SoCast SRM
    Personal blog: Strategerize
    Twitter: @jeremywright

  11. #61
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    well that is generally a 'single' persons shopping basket, so if you were holding that basket and someone asked if you were single you would assume that it was because of what you were buying - in this case not... its not actually a very nice joke but a giggle all the same
    Regular user

  12. #62
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Sarah
    its not actually a very nice joke but a giggle all the same
    True, and even a little immature, but made me chuckle...
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  13. #63
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Originally posted by TheOriginalH


    True, and even a little immature, but made me chuckle...
    And everyone on my mailing list
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  14. #64
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    Talking Blonde jokes anyone?

    A blonde was stopped for speeding by an officer, and as he walks over to the car to ask her for her driving license, and tells her that she's done about 20 mph over the speed limit. She simply replies: "What's that, a driving license? And what is a speeding limit anyway?" The copper wonders for a moment and says: "Well, a driving license is prove that you know the highway code..." Again the blone remarks: "Highway code, what's that?"

    The policeman, now really annoyed wants to see the car documentary. As suspected, the blonde replies: "Documents, what's that?" -"That's prove for owning the car... I don't believe this!"

    Not knowing how to approach this, the cop calls for advice over the radio, and explains the situation. The guy on the other side quitely asks: "Is that an Audi TT she's driving?" -"Yes..." -"Is it red?" -"Yes...?!" -"Well, just go over to the car and drop your pants."

    Startled, the officer replies: "What?! -I can't go over there and drop my pants!! What do you think I'm doing?"
    "Trust me" the guy from the commando room says, "and this is an order!"

    Well, an order is an order, and the cop walks over to the blonde and drops his pants, only to hear her say: "Oh no! Not another breathaliser test!"
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  15. #65
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    hehehe

    Man Falls Asleep At Church...

    One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
    local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
    husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
    embarrassing. What should I do?"

    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
    I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
    motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
    good poke in the leg."

    In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
    this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
    ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

    "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
    hatpin.

    "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
    Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
    your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
    Mrs. Jones.

    "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

    "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
    Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
    notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
    motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
    husband with the hatpin again.

    The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
    him his 99th son?"

    Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
    goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
    and shove it up your ***!"

    "Amen," replied the congregation.
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  16. #66
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in
    bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
    him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He
    appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as
    he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the
    room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
    when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes I do" she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you
    remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car fooling
    around?"

    "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair
    beside him.

    The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun
    in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to
    jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too" she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten
    out today."
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  17. #67
    SitePoint Zealot Lauren's Avatar
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    At least it's your spam. My dog gets emails informing her that she can increase her breast size in 30 days .
    Lauren and Auster



    The dog is a reflection of his master. - Max v. Stephanitz

  18. #68
    <?php echo(witty title)?> Sal Petrarca's Avatar
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    "Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"


    I do that to watch the trained monkeys behind me pull up...if I'm first @ the red light.
    Geeks...Rock...Your...Box
    Sites:Dark Moon Rising:::My Site

  19. #69
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Lauren
    At least it's your spam. My dog gets emails informing her that she can increase her breast size in 30 days .


    Well if you will have an emailing dog....
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  20. #70
    SitePoint Zealot
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    Originally posted by Lauren
    At least it's your spam. My dog gets emails informing her that she can increase her breast size in 30 days .
    Just click "male" the next time you fill out some form...

    (ps: I hope you have a sense of humour)

  21. #71
    <?php echo(witty title)?> Sal Petrarca's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Guest

    Just click "male" the next time you fill out some form...

    (ps: I hope you have a sense of humour)

    NATURALLY INCREASE YOUR (gonna omit it, in case it's a not allowed word) SIZE IN 30 DAYS! NO DRUGS REQUIRED!
    Geeks...Rock...Your...Box
    Sites:Dark Moon Rising:::My Site

  22. #72
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Sal Petrarca

    NO DRUGS REQUIRED!
    so it sure doesn't hurt?
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  23. #73
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    hello!!!

    [shout]hellooo!!![/shout]

    oh well, it did hurt then?!
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!

  24. #74
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    check out this article certainly had me chuckling!!
    Regular user

  25. #75
    ********* Streaker Lister14's Avatar
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    really wanna meat that judge...
    shut up witness
    roy.lu
    C:\DOS... C:\DOS\RUN... RUN\DOS\RUN...!


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