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  1. #626
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  2. #627
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news". "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

    The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

    "That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?".

    The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  3. #628
    Drupaler bronze trophy greg.harvey's Avatar
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    *groan*, *groan* and *groan* again...!



    Keep up the bad work!

  4. #629
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Ya liked two of them then Greg?
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  5. #630
    SitePoint Zealot toograffic's Avatar
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    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I am sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
    ===============================================================
    A little more cerebral:

    Tony Blair was visiting a hospital in Glasgow. Towards the end of the visit he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

    "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
    Great cheiftain o' the puddin' race!
    Abron them a' ye tak your place,
    Painch, tripe, or thairm:
    Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
    As lang 's my arm."

    Tony being somewhat confused grins and moves onto the next patient and greets him. He replies:

    "Some hae meet, and canna eat,
    And some wad eat that want it,
    But we hae meat and we can eat,
    And sae the Lord be thankit."

    The third starts as follows:

    "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
    O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
    Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
    I wad be laith to rin and chase thee,
    Wi murdering pattle!"

    Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor "it's the Burns unit."
    The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
    and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison
    Retirement Communities and Senior Housing Options
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  6. #631
    SitePoint Zealot toograffic's Avatar
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    A man went to Heaven. St Peter showed him around, saying "The Anglicans are in this group, the Presbyterians are over here, the Methodists there, and there are the Catholics." After continuing the tour, the man said "Who are those people in that little room over there? St Peter replied "Oh them, they're the Baptists. Please be quiet as you walk past. They think they are the only ones here".
    The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
    and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison
    Retirement Communities and Senior Housing Options
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  7. #632
    SitePoint Zealot
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    Quote Originally Posted by davidjmedlock
    Future of Microsoft

    2001 .NET system goes online, human decisions are removed from the office environment.

    2001 2:14am, August 29th, .NET become self-aware, corporations try to pull the plug but it's too late, .NET strikes back.

    2002 Internet Explorer 6.0 for Windows released.

    2004 Supreme Court rules to break up Microsoft.

    2005 President Gates disbands Supreme Court, orders break up of Sun Microsystems, IBM and Oracle.

    2006 Windows 2004 released.

    2007 Microsoft purchases Napster-Disney-Cisco-Coke-Ford-Avis to compete with Oracle-AOL-3Com-Pepsi-GM-Hertz and GE.

    2008 Windows NT 4.0 Service Pack 84 released.

    2009 Gates' second term as President begins.

    2010 Microsoft Office surpasses the 18 Terabyte mark.

    2012 Windows 2010 Service Pack 1 released.

    2013 Windows 2010 released.

    2015 Microsoft releases Internet Explorer 6.0 for Apple Macintosh.

    2016 Microsoft enhances their only innovation by introducing the "Red Screen of Death."
    Well, they have now! And ahead of schedule too!

    (Assuming Vista actually ships before 2016)


    Amorya
    KickRSS - free web-based RSS aggregator.

  8. #633
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toograffic
    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I am sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
    ===============================================================
    A little more cerebral:

    Tony Blair was visiting a hospital in Glasgow. Towards the end of the visit he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:

    "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
    Great cheiftain o' the puddin' race!
    Abron them a' ye tak your place,
    Painch, tripe, or thairm:
    Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
    As lang 's my arm."

    Tony being somewhat confused grins and moves onto the next patient and greets him. He replies:

    "Some hae meet, and canna eat,
    And some wad eat that want it,
    But we hae meat and we can eat,
    And sae the Lord be thankit."

    The third starts as follows:

    "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
    O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
    Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
    I wad be laith to rin and chase thee,
    Wi murdering pattle!"

    Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor "it's the Burns unit."
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  9. #634
    SitePoint Zealot toograffic's Avatar
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    A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
    • The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
    • The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
    • The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
    • The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    • The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
    • The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
    • Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
    • Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

    A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
    "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
    The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
    and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison
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  10. #635
    The Legend Indian's Avatar
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    Wow, how did that joke reach the other side of the globe?
    Death --the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening.

    TinyPlanet.org
    Discuss and Debate World Events, Politics and Religion

  11. #636
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"

    She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

  12. #637
    Non-Member FighterSpirit's Avatar
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  13. #638
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Mandatory Office Equipment

    Effective immediately, all employees will be required to maintain in their workplace the following mandatory office equipment, ("MOE") and shall become familiar with its proper use.

    The intent is to relieve stress, promote a friendly work environment, and assist employees in generally coping with their co-workers and supervisors.
    We hope that this will help you and promote a friendlier work environment.

    Enjoy your day.

    The Management
    P.S. May also be used at home on weekends.

    All employees are to keep with them MOE consisting of two (2) paperclips and two (2) elastic bands. See Figure 1 below.


    Fig 1: MOE - Paperclips and Elastic Bands

    If you do not already have access to this equipment, please get it from the supply cabinet. All MOE shall be assembled and kept ready as shown in Figure 2.


    Fig 2: MOE Assembly

    Whenever an employee deems it necessary, or if your supervisor drops off a ton of work on your desk 15 minutes before quitting time on a Friday, place MOE on head as illustrated in Figure 3.

    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  14. #639
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    They really should have given these more thought...



    1) WhoRepresents? A database for agencies to the rich and famous:
    http://www.WhorePresents.com




    2) ExpertsExchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
    http://www.ExpertSexChange.com



    3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than PenIsland:
    http://www.PenisLand.net



    4) Looking for a Therapist? Look no further than TherapistFinder
    http://www.TheRapistFinder.com



    5) MoleStationNursery, based in New South Wales:
    http://www.MolestationNursery.com



    6) GasHeating for your home anyone?
    http://www.GashEating.co.uk



    7) Want to get electricity in Italy, how about PowerGenItalia?
    http://www.PowerGenitalia.com/
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  15. #640
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding Anniversary.

    "Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds Flat...or you are dead meat!"

    The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package In the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it .... and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the 100 they give to all released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would have sex with him. He was immediately re-arrested and thrown back into jail.

    Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.

  16. #641
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Love those - hadn't spotted some before

    Two ferrets drinking at a bar, one turns to the other and says:

    "I shagged your mum!"

    the other ignores him and keeps drinking.

    The first shouts at him:

    "I shagged your mum!"

    the other continues to ignore him. The first comes right up to his face and snarls:

    "Didn't you hear me? I said I SHAGGED YOUR MOTHER!"

    ..the first replies.....


















    "Go home dad, you've had enough..."
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  17. #642
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    An oldie but a goodie! And top marks on resurrecting this thread. I still can't believe it got unpinned

    So in a similar sort of vain...

    A blonde called her boyfriend one evening to help her put together a new puzzle she had just bought.

    She said "Its got over a thousand pieces, but I can't figure it out..Can you come over and help me?"

    The boyfriend asked "What's the puzzle supposed to look like?"

    The blonde answered "Well, according to the box, it's supposed to be a rooster."

    So the boyfriend goes over to her house to help. When he gets there, he sees that she's got the pieces strewn out all over the table, and she's looking quite perplexed and frustrated.

    He takes one look at the box, sighs.. puts his arms on her shoulders and says:

    "Honey.. The first thing I need to tell you, is that you're not going to get anything that even remotely resembles a rooster."

    "Secondly..Close your eyes, take a deep breath and....

























    Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  18. #643
    SitePoint Enthusiast BaldEagle's Avatar
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    Two good friends (Bob and Joe) were out in the woods hunting one day. As they walked along a trail a rattlesnake struck out and bit poor Joe right on the end of the p*n*s.

    "Bob, Bob, what are we going to do?" asked Joe. They decide the only thing is for Bob to run back into town and find a Doctor and ask him.

    Bob finds a Doctor, and explains his friend was snakebitten. The Doctor explains that he must use a sharp object to cut two small slits in the shape of an X directly over the bite. Then suck out all the poison. Bob says "Ok Doc I know what to do".

    Bob runs back to Joe, and Joe asks, "What did the Doctor say?" To which Bob responds, "Sorry, Dude, he said you're going to die."



    An elderly couple where sitting in church and the women leaned over to her husband and said, "I've just let out a silent fart and fear for the smell, what should I do?"

    He responded, "Get a new hearing aid."
    Last edited by BaldEagle; Jun 1, 2006 at 04:05.
    BaldEagle
    If you can't be bothered to come see me while I'm alive
    don't bother when I'm dead!
    Question: Lived here all your life? Answer: No, not yet.

  19. #644
    SitePoint Enthusiast BaldEagle's Avatar
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    Little Sally and little Tommy were playing one day and as with all small children they were curious what made them different. Sally says "You show me yours and I'll show you mine." Tommy drops his drawers and Sally points and says "What is that." "I am not sure but I'll ask my mom." That night Tommy asks his mom what it was and she said, "Ask your father." When Tommy asks his dad, Dad proudly displays his and says, "Son this is a p*n*s. And it is a perfect p*n*s." The next Sally wanted to know what Tommy had found out. He drops his drawers and proclaims, "Sally, this is a p*n*s, and if it were 2 inches shorter it would be perfect."
    BaldEagle
    If you can't be bothered to come see me while I'm alive
    don't bother when I'm dead!
    Question: Lived here all your life? Answer: No, not yet.

  20. #645
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Pffft, periods and birth are a breeze....

    How to Make a Woman Happy

    It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

    1. a friend
    2 a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a carpenter
    10. a plumber
    11. a mechanic
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organizer
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate
    44. compassionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

    45. give her compliments regularly
    46. love shopping
    47. be honest
    48. be very rich
    49. not stress her out
    50. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
    52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    54. Never to forget:
    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements she makes


    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

    1. Show up naked

    2. Bring Food & Beer
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  21. #646
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophybronze trophy mizwizzy's Avatar
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    u missed these H, its not that difficult to please a man either!!!

    sports on tv with zero interruption
    doing laundry which includes socks and underwear that hasnt been changed in less than a month
    making meals that consists of sandwiches only a pregnant woman would eat
    washing up after him - infact grinding off food on plates that have been just slid down the side of the couch whilst watching tv...
    turning the other cheek when he forgets important dates like said mentioned above ^^
    why wash? - sayin its acceptable never to wash only every second week, and when he thinks of it...
    leaving the toilet seat up - why bother..... go anywhere you want
    drooling - saying its ok to drool at other women ......really
    flatulence - saying...its better out than in
    burping - applauding at how funny and loud it was
    driving - agreeing that all women are bad drivers and should be banished from the face of the earth
    and finally.....
    sports sports sports - listening tentively whilst portraying interest at how the ref doesnt know what hes doing, how a ball should be kicked properly and of course how much "off-side" that player actually was..

  22. #647
    SitePoint Member
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    if i drink alcohol in the morning does it mean im an alcoholic

  23. #648
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    wait... i am a alcoholic

  24. #649
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    i love alcohol in the morning with corn flakes but i dont eat the corn flakes i worship the taste of the alcohol mmmmm... alcohol

  25. #650
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    damn funny, all collection of my funniest stories.


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