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  1. #551
    SitePoint Zealot toograffic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarah
    david - superb you should win an award for them they are fantastic - just sent to all my friends to make them chuckle!!!
    You UK folks are so humor-deprived! I've gotten those same things Dave posted at least 10 times in the last 3 years! Every time another relative gets their first computer and my email address, I start getting repeats of all the same old jokes!
    The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
    and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison
    Retirement Communities and Senior Housing Options
    Freecycle.org

  2. #552
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Sarah is not representative of UK Humour deprivation statistics.
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  3. #553
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    Regular user

  4. #554
    SitePoint Zealot toograffic's Avatar
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    That's good to know!
    The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
    and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison
    Retirement Communities and Senior Housing Options
    Freecycle.org

  5. #555
    SitePoint Zealot toograffic's Avatar
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    Someone egged him on

    A police officer sent this to a friend of mine. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't click on the URL. It is a picture of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real!

    http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg
    The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
    and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison
    Retirement Communities and Senior Housing Options
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  6. #556
    Non-Member Egor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by toograffic
    A police officer sent this to a friend of mine. It is not for the faint of heart. If you have a weak stomach, then don't click on the URL. It is a picture of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real!

    http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

    Yeah yeah, we've all seen this one before buddy.

    Yet me, the dumb/\ss, still clicked.

  7. #557
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    Blonde GUY Joke

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

  8. #558
    SitePoint Guru dragonhawk's Avatar
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    Performance Evaluation

    For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just
    remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
    United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations.
    For those providing evaluation reports - take note:

    1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
    started to dig."

    2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

    3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite
    won't be."

    4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
    trap."

    5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

    7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

    8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
    them."

    9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

    10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

    11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
    together."

    12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

    13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

    14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

    15. "He's been working with glue too much."

    16. "He would argue with a signpost."

    17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

    18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

    19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
    one."

    20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

    21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

    22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

    23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

    24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
    for it."

    25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

    26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

    27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

    28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

    29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

    30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

    31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

  9. #559
    SitePoint Guru dragonhawk's Avatar
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    Friends

    Women :
    A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she
    tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night.
    The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirms
    that.

    Men:
    A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very
    next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
    So the wife calls 10 of his best friends : 5 of them confirm that he stayed
    at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still
    is there with them !

    Conclusion :
    Men are better friends !!!!

  10. #560
    SitePoint Guru dragonhawk's Avatar
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    Rules to live by....

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of
    boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost
    instantly removed.

    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
    someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
    using the sink.

    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
    few minutes thus, reducing the pressure in your veins.

    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
    rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
    afraid to cough.

    7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer, then you will
    forget about the toothache.

    Sometimes, We Just Need To Remember What The Rules Of Life Really Are...

    You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape,
    If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40;
    If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.

    The five (5) most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are: "I
    apologize," and "You are right."

    Remember; Everyone seems normal until you get to know them!

    If you woke up breathing, Congratulations! You get another chance.
    And Finally,

    Be really nice to your family and friends, you never know when you might
    need them to empty your bedpan!

  11. #561
    SitePoint Guru dragonhawk's Avatar
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    EVER WONDER where we are headed...


    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

    Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    Why you don't ever see the headline:
    "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

    Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

    Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

    Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?




    Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

    Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

    Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

    Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?

    Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

    Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?




    Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

    Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

    Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

    If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

    Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?


    AND...


    In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    On a Myer hairdryer:
    "Do not use while sleeping".
    (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

    On a bag of Chips:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
    (The shoplifter special?)

    On a bar of Palmolive soap:
    "Directions: Use like regular soap".
    (And that would be how???)

    On some frozen dinners:
    "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
    (But, it's just a suggestion).

    On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
    (printed on bottom):
    "Do not turn upside down".
    (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    "Product will be hot after heating".
    (And you thought????...)

    On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
    "Do not iron clothes on body".
    (But wouldn't this save me more time?)

    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
    "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

    On Nytol Sleep Aid:
    "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
    (And...I'm taking this because???)

    On most brands of Christmas lights:
    "For indoor or outdoor use only".
    (As opposed to...what?)

    On a Japanese food processor:
    "Not to be used for the other use".
    (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

    On Nobby's peanuts:
    "Warning: contains nuts".
    (Talk about a news flash!)

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
    (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

    I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
    On a child's superman costume:
    "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

    On a Swedish chainsaw:
    "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
    (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

  12. #562
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    We all know how literally impossible it is to not offend SOMEONE these days, everyone is just SO ****ING TOUCHY... So this guide will help you on how to speak about the opposite sex in a POLITICALLY CORRECT way...

    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

    She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

    She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

    She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

    She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

    She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

    She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

    She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

    She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

    She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

    She does not NAG YOU - She becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

    She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

    She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

    He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

    He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

    He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

    He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

    He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

    He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

    He does not act like a TOTAL A$$ - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

    He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

    He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

  13. #563
    SitePoint Enthusiast thesupe87's Avatar
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    hahah that mcdonalds app is MONEY!! lol

  14. #564
    SitePoint Member jaks's Avatar
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    Great posts everyone.

    I don't get any like that but lot's where people offer me a fake inheritance. lol

    Jaks
    Truly Unusual Things
    TrulyUnusual.com

  15. #565
    SitePoint Enthusiast thesupe87's Avatar
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    That is so frikkin hilarious...love it

  16. #566
    SitePoint Guru menuserve's Avatar
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    great thread... i come back over and over for a laugh

  17. #567
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.
    "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me". The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots.... But fairies are......female
    Regular user

  18. #568
    SitePoint Enthusiast thesupe87's Avatar
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    HAHA this thread is hott

  19. #569
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    I used to reeceive a lot of JUNKS but not anymore.

  20. #570
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

    The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"

    The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

    The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

    The fourth man joined them on the tee after few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

    The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

    The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

  21. #571
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

    The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

    The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

  22. #572
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    If a dog was your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

    When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
    When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
    Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
    Take naps.
    Stretch before rising.
    Run, romp, and play daily.
    Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
    On hot days, drink lots of water, and lie under a shady tree.
    When you're happy, dance around, and wag your entire body.
    Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
    Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
    Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
    When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
    When you are having a bad day, lick your balls.

  23. #573
    CTO htmlguy's Avatar
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    Smile Fruits

    In Brazil three men got lost deep in the forest. They are hungry and thirsty and to add to their troubles they were taken captive by cannibals in the middle of the forest. The king of the cannibals says that they are to find 10 of a fruit in the forest. So each man, for the sake of their life, went to get fruits. One man came back with apples. The king said "in order to live you must stick all 10 apples up your butt". The man did it and only got one and was killed. Another man came out of the forest with berries and the king said "in order to live you must stick all 10 berries up your butt". The man did and he was getting ready to stick the last one in when he broke out laughing and dropped the berry and he was killed. The first man, in heaven, asked why you laughed when you could have lived. And the other man said, "I saw the last man coming with pineapples"!

  24. #574
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    From the latest Dilbert ezine:

    From the latest Dilbert ezine:

    INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES
    ==================

    Here now, some quotes from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC field operatives. Apparently the most confusing concepts for Induhviduals are anything involving body parts, beverages, food, or animals.

    "There's more than one way to cut the cheese."

    "I know these streets like the back of my head."

    "When push comes to shove, that's when the dollar meets the road."

    "Tomorrow at this time.it will be Wednesday."

    "I would like a pie-in-the-eye estimate."

    "The smell of indifference was deafening."

    "Oh, that will be a cake in the woods."

    "She'll chew you up and down, and spit you out like a bad habit."

    "He's living off the fat of my sweat!"

    "I heard that out of the corner of my eye."

    "Even a blind beaver falls off a log once in awhile."

    "I threw down the carrot and he picked it up and ran with it."

    "It's like a monkey on the back of the elephant in the room."

    "I don't mean to throw a wrench, I mean a monkey, into the tools."

    "I got under your goat."

    "You heat it until it doubles to about three times its size."

    "When it comes to nut-cutting time, the cream will rise to the top."

    "Is it hot in me or what?"

    "Don't you hate it when you lock your keys out of your car?"

    "It's like watching paint grow."

    "The winds of change aren't what they used to be."

    "The system is humming like a clam."

    "You need to take the bull by the balls and run with him."

    "Two cats out of the bag are worth more in the nest."

    "Anything worth doing is a lot more difficult than it's worth."

    "Not to toot my own horse, but......"

    "We do things by the pants of our ***!"
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  25. #575
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    And:

    TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS
    ==========================

    Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field.

    =

    My teacher remarked that he'd lived in Africa for several years, prompting a student to ask, "Dude, do you speak African-American?"

    =

    My father, brother, and I had just finished fixing appetizers, and were putting toothpicks into the little morsels, when mom asked us not to use so many toothpicks because, "They don't grow on trees you know."

    =

    We had copious notes on the conference room board that we wanted to keep, so we highlighted a box and printed in big letters to notify the cleaning crew, "DON'T ERASE THIS." When we came back the next day, there was nothing on the board except a highlighted box saying "DON'T ERASE THIS." Good help is hard to find.

    =

    My dad asked my mom a very simple question the other day: "Which is faster, light or sound?" Mom replied, "Light." My dad thought this was very good, until my mom explained why she chose light. "Because it's lighter," she said.

    I heard this story and decided to ask my wife the same question. Her answer was that sound was faster. I asked her why she thought that sound was faster than light. Her response was "Because you hear something first and then you look around and see it."

    =

    One of the secretaries at our office made a copy of a document and put the original through the shredder. When I questioned this, she explained that the client did not need the document, and the file only needed a copy, so there was no need to keep the original document. She couldn't understand my amusement.

    =

    While trying to exit a gas station onto a busy highway, I was evaluating the oncoming traffic and I asked my wife how it looked on her side. She replied, "Its all clear," so I started to pull out. She continued, "Not a cloud in the sky!"

    =

    My nephew, a freshman in college, attended a meeting in his dorm in which everyone introduced themselves and shared some personal information to get acquainted. My nephew introduced himself and mentioned that he has two moms. An Induhvidual looked at him and said, in all seriousness, "So. does this mean that one of them is a lesbian?"

    =

    We don't have cable, so I get tasked with adjusting the antenna when reception isn't good. The other day, my wife called me from another room and asked me to fix the reception on a program that she had recorded earlier in the day.

    =

    In history class, we were having a discussing about current events, specifically rebuilding Afghanistan. I mentioned that improving its economy would be hard because it has no natural resources and little industry. One of my classmates asked, "Well, why don't they, like, build a giant water park or something there to get tourism?" Stunned silence followed. Surprisingly, this took place in an AP level class.

    =

    A few months back, the people in my office were talking about Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of the Christ.

    One of my coworkers, a young 20 year old secretary, mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going to go see it because it would be too sad. That's when I jokingly told her that "It's okay; he comes back in the end. I read the Book." At which point she says, "There's a book?"
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky


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