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  1. #26
    . Ruchir's Avatar
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    .. Funny news !!!
    Peace.

  2. #27
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Tech Support Call

    This is from an anonymous female system user:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications. That operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

    Can you help please!!!!

    Jane


    Dear Jane:

    This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
    However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0 , because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.

    Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.

    Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0.
    However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support".
    You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with Heart Break 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

    Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME"

    Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologise 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.


    TECH TIP!
    Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\APOLOGIES command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpSilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0.

    Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip. Just remember!
    The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran .

    Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fixes Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother In Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until Mother In Law 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped.

    Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!"

    Martin, Tech Support
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  3. #28
    SitePoint Evangelist ktown's Avatar
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    Be on the lookout! Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market, called "beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by emale sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

    After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer", men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened the night before...usually with a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

    At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the yellow pages.

  4. #29
    The Madness Out of Time Arkham's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Ruchir
    this stuff is really cool and funny.. coping to my jokes list !!
    Not again! It went around 5 years ago.

    Still, it's one of the funnier "urban myth" emails.

  5. #30
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    US FDA Approves New Drugs to Help Women Cope

    S t . M o m ' s W o r t
    Plant extract that treats mom's depression
    by rendering preschoolers
    unconscious for up to six hours.

    E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
    Highly effective suppository that
    eliminates melancholy by enhancing
    the memory of how awful they were as
    teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

    P e p t o b i m b o
    Liquid silicone for single women. Two full
    cups swallowed before an
    evening out increases breast size,
    decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

    D u m e r o l
    When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
    dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

    F l i p i t o r
    Increases life expectancy of commuters by
    controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

    A n t i b o y o t i c s
    When administered to teenage girls, is
    highly effective in improving
    grades, freeing up phone lines, and
    reducing money spent on make-up.

    M e n i c i l l i n
    Potent antiboyotic for older women.
    Increases resistance to such lines
    as, "You make me want to be a better
    person ... can we get naked now?"

    B u y a g r a
    Injectable stimulant taken prior to
    shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

    Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL
    When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
    indiscriminate buying frenzy
    so severe the victim may even come home
    with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura

    J a c k A s s p i r i n
    Relieves the headache caused by a man who
    can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

    A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
    A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
    used on anyone too eager to share their life
    stories with total strangers.

    R a g a m e t
    When administered to a husband, provides
    the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

    N O T I C E
    Always consult your family physician
    before taking new medication

  6. #31
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital

    "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

    If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

    If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, mother's maiden name.

    If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

    If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

    If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

    If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  7. #32
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    LAWYER CROSS-EXAMINES A COP

    A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

    Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

    A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

    Q. Officer, who provided this description?

    A. The officer who responded to the scene.

    Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

    A. Yes sir, with my life.

    Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

    A. Yes sir, we do.

    Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

    A. Yes sir, I do.

    Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

    A. Yes sir.

    Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

    A. You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

  8. #33
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

    The cop pulled me over,walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

    I replied, "I'm late for work."

    "Oh yeah", said the cop, "what do you do?"

    I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

    The cop said, "What ... a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 feet wide."

    The cop asked me, "What the **** do you do with a 6-foot *******?"

    I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

    The ticket: $95.

    The look on his face: PRICELESS

  9. #34
    Non-Member Jinx's Avatar
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    Anyone know of a newletter that you can subscribe to that'll send you humorous stuff to your email??? Without 50 Billion ads in it aswell.

  10. #35
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Jinx
    Anyone know of a newletter that you can subscribe to that'll send you humorous stuff to your email??? Without 50 Billion ads in it aswell.

    Yep, subscribe to this thread
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  11. #36
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Yet another:

    Modena, Italy:

    The Ferrari Team fired their entire Pit- Crew Yesterday. The anouncement was followed by Ferrari's Decision to take advantage of Liverpool Council's "Work For the Dole" Scheme and hire unemployed youths from Merseyside.

    The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment or tools, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with all the mod con tools.

    This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

    However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the crews first practice session; not only were the scousers able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 20 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for four dozen cans of Carling ...
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  12. #37
    Non-Member Jinx's Avatar
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    Hah, this thread will last a while, but not as long as a newsletter.

  13. #38
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Ya sure?

    Started
    22-Mar-2002 04:52 PM
    Been going 6 months now....
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  14. #39
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    certainly keeps me amused and saves me getting the junk mail with a usual newsletter much apprecaited from this side as I don't get funny email only dull work ones

    ferrari joke was superb...
    Regular user

  15. #40
    Just Blow It bronze trophy
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    Mad Ramblings and Ponderments

    What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

    Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

    Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

    Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

    Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

    Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

    Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

    How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

    All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

    Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

    Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

    Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

    Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddy seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not
    Dave Maxwell - Manage Your Site Team Leader
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    Learn how to be ready for The Forums' Move to Discourse

  16. #41
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    - very good.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  17. #42
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"


    I make a point of NOT moving up
    Regular user

  18. #43
    The short answer is yes... Herbster's Avatar
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    Caution-gram!
    The following will only be understood by really really old people!

    30 years - What a Long Strange Trip

    1972: Long hair
    2002: Longing for hair

    1972: The perfect high
    2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

    1972: KEG
    2002: EKG

    1972: Acid rock
    2002: Acid reflux

    1972: Moving to California because it's cool
    2002: Moving to California because it's warm

    1972: Growing pot
    2002: Growing pot belly

    1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
    2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

    1972: Seeds and stems
    2002: Roughage

    1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
    2002: Popping joints

    1972: Killer weed
    2002: Weed killer

    1972: Hoping for a BMW
    2002: Hoping for a BM

    1972: The Grateful Dead
    2002: Dr. Kevorkian

    1972: Screw the system
    2002: Upgrade the system

    1972: Disco
    2002: Costco

    1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
    2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

    1972: Taking acid
    2002: Taking antacid

    1972: Whatever
    2002: Depends

    Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
    things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a
    list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
    incoming freshmen.

    Here's this year's list:

    The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in
    1983.

    They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

    Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

    Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

    The CD was introduced the year they were born.

    They have always had an answering machine.

    They have always had cable.

    They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

    Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

    Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

    They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

    They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

    They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

    They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de
    plane Boss, de plane."

    They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

    Michael Jackson has always been white.

    McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

    They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

  19. #44
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  20. #45
    <?php echo(witty title)?> Sal Petrarca's Avatar
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    Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. - Certain Beers have caps that require pop offs...I do it with my teeth!

    Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. - I go camping

    They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. - Mork and Mindy

    They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de
    plane Boss, de plane." - Fantasy Island

    They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. - I use one at work

    I guess I'm not typical o_O;;
    Geeks...Rock...Your...Box
    Sites:Dark Moon Rising:::My Site

  21. #46
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Corporate lesson 1
    -----------------------------------------
    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.

    Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

    "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

    "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
    -----------------------------------------

    Corporate lesson 2
    -----------------------------------------
    A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

    After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,
    "Father,remember psalm 129?"

    The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

    Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once
    again the priest apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

    Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible
    and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


    MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
    ------------------------------------------


    Corporate Lesson 3
    ------------------------------------------
    Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level
    managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

    Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

    ----------------------------------------------------



    Corporate Lesson 4

    ----------------------------------------------------

    A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
    lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant
    three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
    Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof!
    She's gone.

    In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to
    be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
    endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

    "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

    Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  22. #47
    SitePoint Member waicsco's Avatar
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    LOL! Good ones H. I'm definitely going to share those with my business professor.

    -Scott

  23. #48
    <?php echo(witty title)?> Sal Petrarca's Avatar
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    Hmm...I'll have to scour my inbox for some good ones...
    Geeks...Rock...Your...Box
    Sites:Dark Moon Rising:::My Site

  24. #49
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

    The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

    "Mornin' bye" says the attendant.

    Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

    As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

    "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.

    "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

    "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.

    "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

    "Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  25. #50
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    I didn't know the accent in Newfoundland was some kind of cross between Irish and Westcountry...
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky


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