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  1. #401
    Quality not quantity. bo5ton's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by weirdbeardmt
    22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
    I resent that! :P

    I look pretty cool picking up a frisbee!

  2. #402
    SitePoint Zealot toograffic's Avatar
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    Q. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?

    A. Cause you have to hollow out it's head!
    The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
    and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison
    Retirement Communities and Senior Housing Options
    Freecycle.org

  3. #403
    SitePoint Zealot toograffic's Avatar
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    Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?

    A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
    The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen
    and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison
    Retirement Communities and Senior Housing Options
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  4. #404
    The Legend Indian's Avatar
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    See this blog entry about "buttons". Scroll down to read a reply by an Indian guy: antipixel.com -steal these buttons

    Posted by Ajay lal 2003.06.02, 23:04
    Dear Sir,
    We are an Indian Company engaged in the manufacture of high quality Beads and Buttons made of : -
    1) Glass
    2) Horn
    3) Bone
    4) Wood
    5) Resin
    6) Metal
    We are in this manufacture for the last two decades and we can assure you that our quality is very good and the prices are very reasonable. In case of order we assure timely delivery. We also have MIXED BEADS, which we offer at incredibly low price. We request you to give us a chance to serve you. In case you need to see our collection, we can email them.
    Looking forward to hear from you.
    With Best Regards.

    [Contact info removed because Antipixel doesn't like commercial posts. The rest of the comment stays because it's just so funny. jh]




    Death --the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening.

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    Discuss and Debate World Events, Politics and Religion

  5. #405
    Rent A Cop Dan
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    Post The Perfect Couple

    Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

    Their life together was, of course, perfect.

    One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

    There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

    Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

    Question: Who was the survivor?
    (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)





















    Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

    **** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.






















    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

    Men Keep scrolling
















    By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
    Dan's Site
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  6. #406
    SitePoint Member ShadowDragon's Avatar
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    alrighty then....

  7. #407
    Ensure you finish what you sta bronze trophy John Colby's Avatar
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    The new White Christmas cast list:

    Emma Drimming
    Arthur White
    Chris Moss
    Jess Lyke-Dee
    Juan Sai
    Hugh Sterno
    Wendy Trittops-Glissen
    Anne Childern
    Liz-Anne
    "Two Ears" Laybelle
    Cindy Snow
    Hymer Drimming
    Arthur Whyte
    Chris Moss-Withe
    Avery Criss
    Miss Carr
    Dai Wright
    Mayor Dazeby
    Mary Ann Bright
    Anne-May Hall
    Urich Rhys
    Mrs B White
    John
    No electrons were harmed during the creation, transmission
    or reading of this posting. However, many were excited and
    some may have enjoyed the experience.

  8. #408
    Ensure you finish what you sta bronze trophy John Colby's Avatar
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    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

    The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

    The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
    John
    No electrons were harmed during the creation, transmission
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    some may have enjoyed the experience.

  9. #409
    Ensure you finish what you sta bronze trophy John Colby's Avatar
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    I wanted to wish you all "Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year", but my lawyer suggested I should be a little more cautious these days - and advised the following.....

    From me ("the wisher") to you ("the wishee"), please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

    I wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee.

    By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:

    This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

    1. This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wisher are acknowledged.

    2. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement the inferences contained in this correspondence.

    3. This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain geographical locations.

    4. This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably as may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

    5. The wisher warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
    John
    No electrons were harmed during the creation, transmission
    or reading of this posting. However, many were excited and
    some may have enjoyed the experience.

  10. #410
    SitePoint Evangelist ktown's Avatar
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    I got a new car stereo the other day and it has voice activationsoftware installed into it!

    If you yell out Rock, it switches the settings to "ROCK"!

    If you yell out Classic, it switches the settings to "CLASSIC"!


    On my way home last night some kids ran out in front of my car.

    Hitting the brakes I yelled "F#$%ing Kids" and the radio started
    playing Michael Jackson.





    -- its a bad joke i know



  11. #411
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    This is pretty funny. And men only. And it has some, erm, "questionable content", so only despoiler if you're not too prudish about anything...


    Dear Audrey,

    I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
    "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
    swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
    boy in me talking.
    Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my
    fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to
    me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me
    a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care
    about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long
    as one of us does.
    Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
    is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for
    you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
    They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and
    brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to
    illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with
    one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent
    ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't
    believe and an *** like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But
    as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at
    the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
    What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in
    this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
    better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
    attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that
    before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
    Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I
    found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't
    just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but
    something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so
    incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel
    the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I
    mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going
    crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
    Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year?
    Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she
    figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what
    she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
    Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're
    banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
    sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when
    she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
    can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your
    grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
    it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes
    me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put
    the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years,
    and we never used it
    as a sex aid."
    Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
    mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head
    on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
    time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in
    general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really
    is.
    So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's
    this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do
    is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
    about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole
    anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured
    you about
    trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between
    us.
    But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby
    sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
    It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could
    start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we
    can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise,
    can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.

    John
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  12. #412
    because you gotta have beer! firegryphon3207's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by weirdbeardmt
    This is pretty funny. And men only. And it has some, erm, "questionable content", so only despoiler if you're not too prudish about anything...

    ......
    I read it anyway (because I'm a nosy woman), and it was still hilarious.
    Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.
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  13. #413
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the
    > heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been
    > tentatively named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12
    > assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons,
    > giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by
    > forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
    > lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons,
    > it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with
    > which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one
    > reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take
    > less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years;
    > it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
    > portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
    > fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
    > reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
    > isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
    > speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
    > quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
    > "Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it.
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  14. #414
    Drupaler bronze trophy greg.harvey's Avatar
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  15. #415
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    Not sure if this is in here already but:

    A WOMAN'S DEFINITION OF MARKETING


    You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
    That's Direct Marketing.

    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
    That's Advertising.

    You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
    That's Telemarketing.

    You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
    That's Public Relations.

    You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
    That's Brand Recognition.

    You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
    That's a Sales Rep.

    Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
    That's Tech Support.

    You're on your way to a party when you realise that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb on to the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" .
    That's Junk Mail.

    You see two great looking brothers at a party. You decide to take them both home.
    That's a 2 for 1 sale.

    You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your *** .
    That's Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    You like it, but 10 years later your lawyer decides you were offended and files suit.
    That's America.
    Regular user

  16. #416
    Drupaler bronze trophy greg.harvey's Avatar
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    Also very good...

  17. #417
    Ensure you finish what you sta bronze trophy John Colby's Avatar
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    A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

    So, the new monk goes to the Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

    The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

    So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

    Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

    He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

    The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

    With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebRate."
    John
    No electrons were harmed during the creation, transmission
    or reading of this posting. However, many were excited and
    some may have enjoyed the experience.

  18. #418
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks
    to a retired Delta
    Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from
    Alaska Air Flight Attendants. It is supposedly true.

    In his own words....

    "I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight

    attendant reading the flight safety information had the
    whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?"
    (Getting people to look at each other is an
    accomplishment.)

    So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up
    what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few
    parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

    Before takeoff:

    "Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If
    you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're
    not going to San Francisco,
    you're about to have a really long evening.

    We'd like to tell you now about some important safety
    features of this aircraft. The most important safety
    feature we have aboard this plane is ... The Flight
    Attendants. Please look at one now.

    There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over
    the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're
    seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your
    bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please
    take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
    Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the
    event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be
    glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor
    that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones
    along the normal rows,and pretty red ones at the exit
    rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy
    things will drop down over your head. You stick it over
    your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now.
    The bag
    won'tinflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you
    are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
    like a small child, please do us all a favourand put on your
    mask first. If you are travellingwith two or more children,
    please take a moment now to decide which one is your
    favourite. Help that one "first", and then work your way
    down.

    In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the
    safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan
    when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very
    good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out
    and play with it now.

    Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are
    fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the
    belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's
    a pulley thing ---- not a pushy thing like your car because
    you're in an airplane. HELLO!

    There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is
    also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming
    from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put
    you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two
    smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
    We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight .....Hold
    on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is; the movie
    tonight is... "Gone with the Wind."

    In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's
    going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of
    the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press
    the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading
    light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
    absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection
    button.

    We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank
    you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business
    and your money. If there'sanything we can do to make you
    more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

    If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a
    standing ovation, wouldn't you?"

    After landing...

    "Welcome to the San FranciscoInternationalAirport. Sorry about the
    bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the
    co-pilot's fault. It's the asphalt.

    Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
    At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the
    gate. So please don't even try.

    Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift
    happens"!
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  19. #419
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    I want her on my flight!
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  20. #420
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    Regular user

  21. #421
    SitePoint Wizard
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    That was a good one.

  22. #422
    because you gotta have beer! firegryphon3207's Avatar
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    Slightly skewed, but it's all good.


    Calls to God
    John Madden was in Chicago to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special telephone near the Bears' bench. He asked a nearby player what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. Madden asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $100.00."

    Madden scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.00. Madden's picks were perfect that week.

    The next week, Madden was in Texas when he noticed that same kind of Phone on the Cowboys' bench. He asked what the telephone was for and was told "It's a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost you $500.00." Recalling last weekend, Madden pulled out his wallet and made the call. Madden's picks were perfect again that week!

    The next weekend Madden was in New England at Gillette Stadium when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Patriots' bench. He asked Tom Brady, "Is that the hotline to God?" Tom said, "Yes, but it will cost you 50 cents." Madden looked incredulously at Tom and said, '"Wait a second. I just paid $100.00 in Chicago and $500.00 in Texas to use the same phone to God! Why does New England only charge 50 cents?" Brady looked at Madden and replied, "In New England, Bill Belichick is a local call."
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  23. #423
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    I guess it only makes sense if you know who Bill Belichick is...
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
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  24. #424
    because you gotta have beer! firegryphon3207's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by weirdbeardmt
    I guess it only makes sense if you know who Bill Belichick is...
    Probably. For those actually interested he's the Head Coach of the New England Patriots, An american football team, who I hope will win the big championship game this sunday. The Coach is known for his obsessive preparations for upcoming games and knowing everything about the team he next plays. Not as funny now that I've explained it and I apologize to any non-US folks.
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  25. #425
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    One day three fishermen were out in a boat in the Gulf of Mexico. They had not caught a thing all day when suddenly, one of the fishermen's poles started jerking. He grabbed it and started reeling in his line and shouting, "I got something! I got something!"

    He had caught a nice fish, about ten inches long. The fishermen were about to revel in his accomplishment when the fish shook the hook out of his mouth and transformed into a being, half man and half fish, sporting a crown and holding a trident.

    "Who are you?" said the frightened fisherman who had caught him.

    "I AM NEPTUNE, GOD OF THE SEA, AND I AM GOING TO PUT A CURSE ON YOU LOWLY MORTALS! BEFORE YOU LEAVE HERE TODAY YOUR BOAT WILL SPRING A DOZEN LEAKS! ... NO, MAKE THAT A DOZEN AND A HALF!"

    And with that, he dove back into the waters. As soon as he was gone, the fishermen's boat had sprung so many leaks they were forced to swim to shore.

    To this day, they never forgot Neptune's eighteen-hole Gulf curse.
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky


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