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  1. #1
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    It's not all bad right?

    I get numerous "junk" e-mails each day which, er, make me grin

    Though I'd start a thread in which we could dump various funnies and make peoples days a little better. Remember - no swearing and nothing too adult in nature!

    This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

    SIGN HERE: Aries.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  2. #2
    SitePoint Evangelist azizur_rahman's Avatar
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    how do you really get this stuff.. its really funny but as you said he's got the job end of the day it served it purpose.
    Azizur Rahman
    Web Application Developer

  3. #3
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    'nother one

    After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he
    asked the girl if she had one at hand.

    "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

    He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

    "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

    "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

    "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

    "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

    "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

    Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  4. #4
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    now why don't I get junk email like that
    Regular user

  5. #5
    SitePoint Wizard iTec's Avatar
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    i get junk asking me for my credit card and you get junk that has me sitting here laughing harder then ive laughed in the last week... lifes soooo not fair!

  6. #6
    . Ruchir's Avatar
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    this stuff is really cool and funny.. coping to my jokes list !!
    Peace.

  7. #7
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    'nother one

    Notice to All Employees On Timesheets

    It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

    Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

    Thank you.

    The Management


    Attached: Extended Job Code List

    Code Explanation

    5316 Meeting
    5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
    5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
    5319 Waiting for Break
    5320 Waiting for Lunch
    5321 Waiting for End of Day
    5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Colleague
    5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Colleague While Colleague is not Present
    5393 Covering for Incompetence of Colleague Friend
    5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Colleague Who is not Interested in Learning
    5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Colleague Who is Stupid
    5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Colleague Who Hates You
    5481 Buying Snack
    5482 Eating Snack
    5500 Filling Out Timesheet
    5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
    5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
    5503 Scratching Yourself
    5504 Sleeping
    5510 Feeling Bored
    5511 Feeling Horny
    5600 *****ing About Lousy Job
    5601 *****ing About Low Pay
    5602 *****ing About Long Hours
    5603 *****ing About Colleague (see codes &5322, &5323)
    5604 *****ing About Boss
    5605 *****ing About Personal Problems
    5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive *****ing
    5701 Not Actually Present At Job
    5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
    6102 Ordering Out
    6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
    6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
    6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
    6201 Stealing Company Goods
    6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
    6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
    6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Fence in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
    6206 Gossip
    6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g., vacation, wedding...)
    6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
    6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
    6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
    6223 Pretending You Like Colleague
    6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
    6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
    6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
    6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see code &6603)
    6602 Complaining
    6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
    6611 Staring Into Space
    6612 Staring At Computer Screen
    6615 Transcendental Meditation
    7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
    7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
    7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
    7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
    7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
    7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
    7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
    7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
    7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
    7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
    7931 Asking Colleague to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
    8000 Recreational Drug Use
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  8. #8
    SitePoint Evangelist azizur_rahman's Avatar
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    This is good. may be I should be on that payroll.
    Azizur Rahman
    Web Application Developer

  9. #9
    Don't get too close, I bite! Nicky's Avatar
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    funny

  10. #10
    . Ruchir's Avatar
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    ..
    Peace.

  11. #11
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    'nother one...

    Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had
    been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out
    of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing
    he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked
    them to stop.

    Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two
    animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You
    will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

    The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this
    forest to be female except for me."

    A magical sound and it was done.

    The rabbit said, "I would like a helmet."

    This confused both the frog and the bear, but, after a magical sound, a
    helmet appeared.

    It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the
    neighbouring forest to be female."

    A magical sound and it was done.

    The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

    Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot
    of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but, after a magical
    sound, there was a motorcycle.

    The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to
    be female except for me."

    A magical sound and it was done.

    The rabbit put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said, "I wish
    the bear was gay" and took off like a flash.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  12. #12
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    The Diary of a Cat

    Here's a letter I recieved from somebody by mistake. I thought it was funny, though.

    DAY 752
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

    DAY 761
    Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. I must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repel these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair ... must try this on their bed.

    DAY 765
    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm ... Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768
    I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 770
    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 773
    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...

  13. #13
    . Ruchir's Avatar
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    .. good junk mail.
    Peace.

  14. #14
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    You know it's 2002 when....

    YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN THE YEAR 2002 WHEN.....

    1.Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have

    an e-mail address.



    2.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

    3.You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you

    haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.



    4.Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

    5.You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.


    6.Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the

    screen.


    7.You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.


    8.Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first

    20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to

    go get it.



    9.Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.


    10.You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.



    11.You consider second-day air mail delivery painfully slow.


    12.Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.



    13.Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.


    14.You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.



    15.You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.


    16.You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just

    pulled the plug on a loved one.



    17.You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.


    18.You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way

    back to bed.



    19.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)


    20.You're reading this.




    21.Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  15. #15
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Venture Capital - Enron Stylee

    This is how to do it!

    You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publically listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother in law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an interediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

    The Annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

    Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

    The public buys your bull.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  16. #16
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Marketing Explained:

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm
    fantastic in bed."
    That's direct marketing.
    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of

    your friends approaches her, points at you and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
    That's advertising.
    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed. That's telemarketing.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.You get up and straighten
    your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
    That's public relations.

    You keep doing all the above and one day, you're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

    That's BRAND recognition!!
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  17. #17
    pie??? PIE!!!! rsdl's Avatar
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    stuff to add to that

    You leave cards that say "so and so is good in bed" on various surfaces and have a sandwhich board on you saying "so and so is good in bed".
    That's Guerilla marketting.

    You tell a woman that you're good in bed and she tells another, and another, and another.
    That's Viral advertising.

    Quote Originally Posted by TheOriginalH
    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm
    fantastic in bed."
    That's direct marketing.
    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends approaches her, points at you and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
    That's advertising.

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed.
    That's telemarketing.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.You get up and straighten
    your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
    That's public relations.

    You keep doing all the above and one day, you're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

    That's BRAND recognition!!

  18. #18
    . Ruchir's Avatar
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    lol.. great jokes.,
    Peace.

  19. #19
    ********* Celica Lover Coomer's Avatar
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    Lol. That's some good stuff. Where do you get those?
    + Celica =
    6G Celicas :: My '94-99 Toyota Celica resource

  20. #20
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    They come in thick and fast, mainly from my students
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  21. #21
    SitePoint Evangelist azizur_rahman's Avatar
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    Keep reading to the bottom of the page --
    don't stop at the feet (You'll see).

    Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy
    family.

    The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest
    room.

    Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

    As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the
    wall and repaired it.

    When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't
    always what they seem."

    The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very
    hospitable farmer and his wife.

    After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in
    their bed where they could have a good night's rest.

    When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his
    wife in tears.

    Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

    The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have
    let this happen?

    The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.

    The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let
    the cow die.

    "Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.

    "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold
    stored in that hole in the wall.

    Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good
    fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

    "Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for
    his wife. I gave him the cow instead.

    Things aren't always what they seem."

    Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way
    they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come
    is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later...

    Ooooo
    Some people ( )
    come into our lives ) /
    and quickly go. (_ /

    ooooO
    ( ) Some people
    \ ( become friends
    \_) and stay awhile...

    leaving beautiful Ooooo
    footprints on our ( )
    hearts... ) /
    (_/
    ooooO
    ( ) and we are
    \ ( never
    \_ ) quite the same
    because we have
    made a good
    friend!!

    Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's
    called the present!

    >I think this is special...live and savor every moment...This is not a dress
    rehearsal!

    (\ /)
    ( \ _ / )
    ( \()/ )
    ( / \ ) TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL
    ( / \/ \ ) AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
    / \ SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
    ( ) SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU
    ____

    THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL... YOU MUST PASS THIS ON TO 5 PEOPLE WITHIN
    THE HOUR OF RECEIVING HER..AFTER YOU DO MAKE A WISH....IF YOU HAVE PASSED HER
    ON, YOUR WISH WILL BE GRANTED AND SHE'LL WATCH OVER YOU FOREVER....IF
    NOT..HER TEARS WILL FLOW AND NO WISHES WILL BE GRANTED...

    Now don't delete this message, because it comes from a very special angel.

    Right Now -
    -somebody is very proud of you.
    -somebody is thinking of you.
    -somebody is caring about you.
    -somebody misses you
    -somebody wants to talk to you.
    -somebody wants to be with you.
    -somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
    -somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
    -somebody wants to hold your hand.
    -somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
    -somebody wants you to be happy.
    -somebody wants you to find him/her.
    -somebody is celebrating your successes.
    -somebody wants to give you a gift.
    -somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
    -somebody loves you.
    -somebody admires your strength.
    -somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
    -somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
    Azizur Rahman
    Web Application Developer

  22. #22
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Made me chuckle!



    There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
    they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the
    form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the
    heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

    As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
    upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving
    juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. "Oh my, Pepe" says the first bloke.
    "It's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right!" says Pepe.

    So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect
    of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the
    sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His
    friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
    Pepe.

    "Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?" ...

    With his dying breath Pepe calls out ...

    "Ugh, run, run!! ... it's not a Bacon Tree ...









    Scroll Down...













    .......it's a Ham Bush"
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  23. #23
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy Jeremy W.'s Avatar
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    We did that joke as a skit during summer camp. Every day at random times my friend and I would put some blankets on and "gallup" with the sound of cups. We would "gallop" around the room and eventually say "Look, it's a bacon tree!" and then leave.

    We did this all week and then got killed during the final day's "recital" by the Ham Bush It was quite good as the suspense was killing everyone
    SVP Marketing, SoCast SRM
    Personal blog: Strategerize
    Twitter: @jeremywright

  24. #24
    SitePoint Evangelist ktown's Avatar
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    19 ways to keep a healthy level of sanity:

    1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

    5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6) In the memo field of all your checks, write " FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".

    7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

    8) Don't use any punctuation

    9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

    11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    12) Sing along at the opera.

    13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

    15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

    16) Have your co workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

    17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!" "I Won!" "This is the 3rd time this week!!!"

    18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

    19) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

  25. #25
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Originally posted by TheOriginalH
    Made me chuckle!

    .......it's a Ham Bush"

    ROFLMAO!


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