SitePoint Sponsor

User Tag List

Page 1 of 27 1234511 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 651
  1. #1
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    It's not all bad right?

    I get numerous "junk" e-mails each day which, er, make me grin

    Though I'd start a thread in which we could dump various funnies and make peoples days a little better. Remember - no swearing and nothing too adult in nature!

    This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

    SIGN HERE: Aries.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  2. #2
    SitePoint Evangelist azizur_rahman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    London, UK
    Posts
    502
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    how do you really get this stuff.. its really funny but as you said he's got the job end of the day it served it purpose.
    Azizur Rahman
    Web Application Developer

  3. #3
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    'nother one

    After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he
    asked the girl if she had one at hand.

    "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

    He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

    "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

    "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

    "Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

    "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

    "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

    Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  4. #4
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Berkshire, UK
    Posts
    7,442
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)


    now why don't I get junk email like that
    Regular user

  5. #5
    SitePoint Wizard iTec's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Posts
    2,243
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    i get junk asking me for my credit card and you get junk that has me sitting here laughing harder then ive laughed in the last week... lifes soooo not fair!

  6. #6
    . Ruchir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,863
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    this stuff is really cool and funny.. coping to my jokes list !!
    Peace.

  7. #7
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    'nother one

    Notice to All Employees On Timesheets

    It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

    Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

    Thank you.

    The Management


    Attached: Extended Job Code List

    Code Explanation

    5316 Meeting
    5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
    5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
    5319 Waiting for Break
    5320 Waiting for Lunch
    5321 Waiting for End of Day
    5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Colleague
    5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Colleague While Colleague is not Present
    5393 Covering for Incompetence of Colleague Friend
    5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Colleague Who is not Interested in Learning
    5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Colleague Who is Stupid
    5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Colleague Who Hates You
    5481 Buying Snack
    5482 Eating Snack
    5500 Filling Out Timesheet
    5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
    5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
    5503 Scratching Yourself
    5504 Sleeping
    5510 Feeling Bored
    5511 Feeling Horny
    5600 *****ing About Lousy Job
    5601 *****ing About Low Pay
    5602 *****ing About Long Hours
    5603 *****ing About Colleague (see codes &5322, &5323)
    5604 *****ing About Boss
    5605 *****ing About Personal Problems
    5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive *****ing
    5701 Not Actually Present At Job
    5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
    6102 Ordering Out
    6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
    6104 Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
    6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
    6201 Stealing Company Goods
    6202 Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
    6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
    6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Fence in Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods
    6206 Gossip
    6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g., vacation, wedding...)
    6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
    6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
    6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
    6223 Pretending You Like Colleague
    6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
    6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
    6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
    6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (see code &6603)
    6602 Complaining
    6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
    6611 Staring Into Space
    6612 Staring At Computer Screen
    6615 Transcendental Meditation
    7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
    7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
    7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
    7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
    7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
    7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
    7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
    7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
    7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
    7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
    7931 Asking Colleague to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
    8000 Recreational Drug Use
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  8. #8
    SitePoint Evangelist azizur_rahman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    London, UK
    Posts
    502
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    This is good. may be I should be on that payroll.
    Azizur Rahman
    Web Application Developer

  9. #9
    Don't get too close, I bite! Nicky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 1999
    Location
    Lancashire, UK
    Posts
    8,277
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    funny

  10. #10
    . Ruchir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,863
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    ..
    Peace.

  11. #11
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    'nother one...

    Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had
    been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out
    of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing
    he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked
    them to stop.

    Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two
    animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You
    will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

    The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this
    forest to be female except for me."

    A magical sound and it was done.

    The rabbit said, "I would like a helmet."

    This confused both the frog and the bear, but, after a magical sound, a
    helmet appeared.

    It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the
    neighbouring forest to be female."

    A magical sound and it was done.

    The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

    Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for a lot
    of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but, after a magical
    sound, there was a motorcycle.

    The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to
    be female except for me."

    A magical sound and it was done.

    The rabbit put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said, "I wish
    the bear was gay" and took off like a flash.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  12. #12
    SitePoint Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Posts
    2
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    The Diary of a Cat

    Here's a letter I recieved from somebody by mistake. I thought it was funny, though.

    DAY 752
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

    DAY 761
    Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. I must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repel these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair ... must try this on their bed.

    DAY 765
    Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm ... Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768
    I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 770
    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 773
    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...

  13. #13
    . Ruchir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,863
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    .. good junk mail.
    Peace.

  14. #14
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    You know it's 2002 when....

    YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN THE YEAR 2002 WHEN.....

    1.Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have

    an e-mail address.



    2.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

    3.You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you

    haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.



    4.Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

    5.You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.


    6.Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the

    screen.


    7.You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.


    8.Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first

    20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to

    go get it.



    9.Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.


    10.You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.



    11.You consider second-day air mail delivery painfully slow.


    12.Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.



    13.Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.


    14.You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.



    15.You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.


    16.You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just

    pulled the plug on a loved one.



    17.You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.


    18.You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way

    back to bed.



    19.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)


    20.You're reading this.




    21.Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  15. #15
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Venture Capital - Enron Stylee

    This is how to do it!

    You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publically listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother in law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an interediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

    The Annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

    Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

    The public buys your bull.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  16. #16
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Marketing Explained:

    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm
    fantastic in bed."
    That's direct marketing.
    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of

    your friends approaches her, points at you and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
    That's advertising.
    You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed. That's telemarketing.

    You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.You get up and straighten
    your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
    That's public relations.

    You keep doing all the above and one day, you're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

    That's BRAND recognition!!
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  17. #17
    . Ruchir's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    1,863
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    lol.. great jokes.,
    Peace.

  18. #18
    ********* Celica Lover Coomer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Not worth the drive
    Posts
    474
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Lol. That's some good stuff. Where do you get those?
    + Celica =
    6G Celicas :: My '94-99 Toyota Celica resource

  19. #19
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    They come in thick and fast, mainly from my students
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  20. #20
    SitePoint Evangelist azizur_rahman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Location
    London, UK
    Posts
    502
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Keep reading to the bottom of the page --
    don't stop at the feet (You'll see).

    Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy
    family.

    The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest
    room.

    Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.

    As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the
    wall and repaired it.

    When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, "Things aren't
    always what they seem."

    The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very
    hospitable farmer and his wife.

    After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in
    their bed where they could have a good night's rest.

    When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his
    wife in tears.

    Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

    The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could you have
    let this happen?

    The first man had everything, yet you helped him, she accused.

    The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let
    the cow die.

    "Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.

    "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold
    stored in that hole in the wall.

    Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good
    fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."

    "Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for
    his wife. I gave him the cow instead.

    Things aren't always what they seem."

    Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way
    they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every out come
    is always to your advantage. You might not know it until some time later...

    Ooooo
    Some people ( )
    come into our lives ) /
    and quickly go. (_ /

    ooooO
    ( ) Some people
    \ ( become friends
    \_) and stay awhile...

    leaving beautiful Ooooo
    footprints on our ( )
    hearts... ) /
    (_/
    ooooO
    ( ) and we are
    \ ( never
    \_ ) quite the same
    because we have
    made a good
    friend!!

    Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's
    called the present!

    >I think this is special...live and savor every moment...This is not a dress
    rehearsal!

    (\ /)
    ( \ _ / )
    ( \()/ )
    ( / \ ) TAKE THIS LITTLE ANGEL
    ( / \/ \ ) AND KEEP HER CLOSE TO YOU
    / \ SHE IS YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL
    ( ) SENT TO WATCH OVER YOU
    ____

    THIS IS A SPECIAL GUARDIAN ANGEL... YOU MUST PASS THIS ON TO 5 PEOPLE WITHIN
    THE HOUR OF RECEIVING HER..AFTER YOU DO MAKE A WISH....IF YOU HAVE PASSED HER
    ON, YOUR WISH WILL BE GRANTED AND SHE'LL WATCH OVER YOU FOREVER....IF
    NOT..HER TEARS WILL FLOW AND NO WISHES WILL BE GRANTED...

    Now don't delete this message, because it comes from a very special angel.

    Right Now -
    -somebody is very proud of you.
    -somebody is thinking of you.
    -somebody is caring about you.
    -somebody misses you
    -somebody wants to talk to you.
    -somebody wants to be with you.
    -somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
    -somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
    -somebody wants to hold your hand.
    -somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
    -somebody wants you to be happy.
    -somebody wants you to find him/her.
    -somebody is celebrating your successes.
    -somebody wants to give you a gift.
    -somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
    -somebody loves you.
    -somebody admires your strength.
    -somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
    -somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
    Azizur Rahman
    Web Application Developer

  21. #21
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Made me chuckle!



    There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
    they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the
    form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the
    heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

    As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
    upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving
    juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. "Oh my, Pepe" says the first bloke.
    "It's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right!" says Pepe.

    So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect
    of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the
    sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His
    friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
    Pepe.

    "Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?" ...

    With his dying breath Pepe calls out ...

    "Ugh, run, run!! ... it's not a Bacon Tree ...









    Scroll Down...













    .......it's a Ham Bush"
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  22. #22
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy Jeremy W.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2001
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    9,121
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    We did that joke as a skit during summer camp. Every day at random times my friend and I would put some blankets on and "gallup" with the sound of cups. We would "gallop" around the room and eventually say "Look, it's a bacon tree!" and then leave.

    We did this all week and then got killed during the final day's "recital" by the Ham Bush It was quite good as the suspense was killing everyone
    SVP Marketing, SoCast SRM
    Personal blog: Strategerize
    Twitter: @jeremywright

  23. #23
    SitePoint Evangelist ktown's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    toronto
    Posts
    478
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    19 ways to keep a healthy level of sanity:

    1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

    5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6) In the memo field of all your checks, write " FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".

    7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

    8) Don't use any punctuation

    9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

    11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    12) Sing along at the opera.

    13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

    15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

    16) Have your co workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

    17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!" "I Won!" "This is the 3rd time this week!!!"

    18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

    19) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

  24. #24
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2001
    Location
    Channel Islands Girth: Footlong
    Posts
    5,882
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Originally posted by TheOriginalH
    Made me chuckle!

    .......it's a Ham Bush"

    ROFLMAO!

  25. #25
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Thailand
    Posts
    4,810
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    And another one -

    From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
    "Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick,' is for monetary donations only."



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
    'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From The Times:

    A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From The Gloucester Citizen:

    A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled 'Hear Me Moan' the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, 'He got what he deserved.'



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From The Barnsley Chronicle:

    Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, had visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From The Scottish Big Issue:

    In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a 'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. 'It was a lie', explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will be,' whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From The Daily Telegraph:

    In a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "[T]he money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels."



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From The Derby Abbey Community News:

    We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.' This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police farce.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From The Guardian:

    After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist *******s.' The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr *******s has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From The Manchester Evening News:

    Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An Indian man who eight months ago decided to spend his life in a tree has died. He fell out of it.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Following drinking binge in Christchurch, New Zealand, Koto Salaki passed out - so his buddies stripped him and shaved off his eyebrows as a joke. Getting no reaction, they proceeded to cut off his ear and glue it onto his forehead. Doctors managed to sew it back on.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    After a heavy drinking session in Weymouth in August 1990, 51 year old Philip Pyne fancied a kip on a bench. To stop himself rolling off, he put 12 nails through his trousers and in the process, drove several of them through his leg. Fortunately he was discovered by police.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    When 65-year-old Les Edwards shoveled some coal on to his living-room fire in January 1985, a sudden explosion rendered him deaf and blind. The mystery blast was traced to the accidental inclusion of a detonator in the coal mix. The National Coal Board admitted negligence.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely when the patient exploded. The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was undergoing electrosurgery for cancer. The blast was attributed to an unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A 20-year-old man was given a concrete enema by his mischievous lover. Surgeons had to meticulously remove the cast which, of course, formed the shape of a rectum, perfect in every respect except for the imprint of a ping-pong ball which was apparently used to retain the enema.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Cinnamon family from Washington were surprised when several ball-sized chunks of green ice crashed through their roof and landed on the floor beside them. The ice soon melted, giving off a revolting odour. The Cinnamons were not happy to later discover that the ice was frozen human waste from the leaky sewage system of a passenger jet.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Phreakers, or 'phone hackers,' managed to break into the telephone system of 'Weight Watchers' in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to 'Hello, you fat *******.'



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The defence in an Irish murder trial hung on whether the accused, Thomas McGann, could draw a gun from his pocket without shooting himself. Demonstrating in court, his lawyer shot his own foot, and died 12 hours later. McGann, however, was acquitted.

    Police in France are looking for a man who has been robbing banks dressed as a giant aubergine. During an armed robbery in Marseilles, he was asked by the manager 'Are you serious?', to which he replied 'No, I am an aubergine,' and fired a shot. The man escaped with the cash leaving a real aubergine on the counter.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In April 1993, suspected drug dealer Alfred Acree tried to evade capture in Charles County, Virginia, by running into a wood. The police had no trouble following him because he was wearing a pair of 'Light Gear' trainers, with battery powered lights that flash when the heel is pressed.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    During a 'smash and grab' on a Zurich jeweller in October 1980, a thief had his finger cut off by broken glass as he grabbed a tray of rings. The police identified the finger from their fingerprint records and arrested the thief within a few hours.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In Ireland, a man staggered into the emergency room of Belfast Hospital with a wind-up turtle attached to his testicles, explaining that his young son had dropped the toy into his bath. "A mechanical joint connected to his tender bits and jammed solid," a nurse said.

    When a crook decided to steal the central heating system from an empty house in Fulham, he removed a pipe connected to the gas supply, then lit a match so that he could see. Although the house exploded, he continued with the job and even returned the next day, only to be arrested.
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
    922ee590a26bd62eb9b33cf2877a00df
    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS


Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •