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  1. #1
    SitePoint Guru bronze trophy AndrewCooper's Avatar
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    Negative Feelings Towards Dodgy Relatives

    This is going to sound pretty harsh - But I guess this is what the forum is for, discussing things.

    So, we each have our values, principles, and standards (not the Web type!) that we each hold dear to our hearts and stand up for them against anyone who opposes them and tries to take them away from us. Blah blah blah.

    Let us say for example, a relative (close, or not-so close) does / says something that is totally opposing your values, principles, and / standards. They do / say something that, if it was any other person, you'd look at them with disgust and have some fairly negatives feelings, views, and opinions towards them from then onwards. I'm not talking about holding grudges here though. I guess what I'm asking is - Have you ever experienced this with any relatives? If you have, do you still feel the same negative way today as you did when this said event occurred? How do you interact with them knowing full-well what they've done / said in the past?

    Again, I stress this isn't about grudges - It might not be something they said or did to you, but something they did / said that goes against your morales and so on. Something that doesn't even have any effect on you except for the feelings you have for this person. Do you show them less respect than you usually would do?

    It's something that troubles me because I have experienced this, and, if this particular relative kept on doing and saying things that goes completely against my morales, principles, values, etc, I'm concerned that one day I won't like them at all, or love them as I once did. Have a think about it Or am I the only one ?

    Andrew Cooper

  2. #2
    SitePoint Evangelist tangledman's Avatar
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    I would express what you feel and try to convey why you feel the way you do.

    Be open minded.

    If their response is not acceptable, distnace yourself from them.

  3. #3
    I Love Licorice silver trophybronze trophy Datura's Avatar
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    Hi Andrew

    There is not a person who has not experienced this. When I was younger this bothered me a lot too. Then I found a way to combat this confusion springing from the very feelings you describe.

    Now I look at people, all people, and divide each person into aspects of who they are. I judge people according to my established values. There are people who have many aspects that I agree with (aligning with my values, ethics and so on), those people I love. Then there are people who have some of the aspects overlapping with mine, those people I like. Then there are people who have very few aspects that coincide with mine, those people I like only within this realm and I can be good friends within that. I am aware of the aspects I do not agree on but ignore them at the point of interaction within the overlap. This approach has made my life very easy and without conflicting emotions toward people.


    .

    .


    The people that have non of my values I just leave, I become neutral about them and do not think about them any longer unless they become a threat of some kind to me. Relatives do fall into this category sometimes. In my view blood relations have little to do with whom I love, like or tolerate. Once you can make the leap of freeing yourself from the obligatory "love" that is traditionally required towards relatives and look at them only as you would at all fellow man, the duty will fall away and your clear judgement can guide you in whom you love or not. Love should never entail an obligation.

    So, coming back to the relative you once loved but cannot any longer, just try to stay in the territory where you still have some remnants of agreement left. If that is not possible, then just ignore this person. Just because you are related does not mean that you have to be friends.

    Going through life there will be very few people who will stay the same in relation to yourself. You change and the other person changes. You either develop along the same path or you drift in opposite directions, depending on your core values that develop over time and manifest themselves in your thinking about all of life. That is very normal.
    Ulrike
    TUTs: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

  4. #4
    Follow: @AlexDawsonUK silver trophybronze trophy AlexDawson's Avatar
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    My advice is quicker to read than Ulrike's

    If you find a relative's "ideals" are alien to your own, just keep quiet and let them go along their merry way... you can't change people and attempting to correct them will just result in a lot of arguments. I really don't get on with my dad most of the time but I just avoid him and thereby the problem is no longer an issue

  5. #5
    I Love Licorice silver trophybronze trophy Datura's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlexDawson View Post
    My advice is quicker to read than Ulrike's
    Indeed haha
    Ulrike
    TUTs: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

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    SitePoint Addict NetNerd85's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AlexDawson View Post
    My advice is quicker to read than Ulrike's

    If you find a relative's "ideals" are alien to your own, just keep quiet and let them go along their merry way... you can't change people and attempting to correct them will just result in a lot of arguments. I really don't get on with my dad most of the time but I just avoid him and thereby the problem is no longer an issue
    That's sad the issue is still there, you're just avoiding it

    Love, acceptance, etc. Not everyone is perfect, and those in the family that think they are, tend to be difficult to deal with Idiots can be found all around, even in the family tree!
    a new day, a new beginning
    never follow the crowd, the crowd is poor!

  7. #7
    King of Paralysis by Analysis bronze trophy
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    Quote Originally Posted by NetNerd85 View Post
    That's sad the issue is still there, you're just avoiding it
    You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

    Oh wait that wasn't what I wanted to write.

    You can pick your friends, you can't pick your family. So you have to put up with stuff from your family that you wouldn't from your friends is what I meant to say.

  8. #8
    Follow: @AlexDawsonUK silver trophybronze trophy AlexDawson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by NetNerd85 View Post
    That's sad the issue is still there, you're just avoiding it
    It's not that sad, there's no point trying to fight a battle you can't win

  9. #9
    SitePoint Guru bronze trophy AndrewCooper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Datura View Post
    Hi Andrew

    There is not a person who has not experienced this. When I was younger this bothered me a lot too. Then I found a way to combat this confusion springing from the very feelings you describe.
    Hey Datura, this is great to know I'm not the only one to experience this!

    Quote Originally Posted by Datura View Post
    Now I look at people, all people, and divide each person into aspects of who they are. I judge people according to my established values. There are people who have many aspects that I agree with (aligning with my values, ethics and so on), those people I love. Then there are people who have some of the aspects overlapping with mine, those people I like. Then there are people who have very few aspects that coincide with mine, those people I like only within this realm and I can be good friends within that. I am aware of the aspects I do not agree on but ignore them at the point of interaction within the overlap. This approach has made my life very easy and without conflicting emotions toward people.
    Wow, this is certainly something! This is the answer I needed to help me with what I need to do, this is what I was looking for, and such a good way to do it too. Thanks a lot, and thanks for the image too - That helped.

    Quote Originally Posted by Datura View Post
    The people that have non of my values I just leave, I become neutral about them and do not think about them any longer unless they become a threat of some kind to me. Relatives do fall into this category sometimes. In my view blood relations have little to do with whom I love, like or tolerate. Once you can make the leap of freeing yourself from the obligatory "love" that is traditionally required towards relatives and look at them only as you would at all fellow man, the duty will fall away and your clear judgement can guide you in whom you love or not. Love should never entail an obligation.

    So, coming back to the relative you once loved but cannot any longer, just try to stay in the territory where you still have some remnants of agreement left. If that is not possible, then just ignore this person. Just because you are related does not mean that you have to be friends.
    I agree with all of this Datura. Your feelings towards people shouldn't be bound because you're related to them. You sentence about freeing oneselve from the obligatory "love" that is traditionally "required" towards relatives was the penny dropping sentence for me. Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you have to love them like every other family member, it's a shame that it has to be that way but everyone is going to be different, including family members, and they'll all have their own unique outlook on life and their own way of doing / saying things. I guess you just have to try and tolerate it most times.

    Quote Originally Posted by AlexDawson View Post
    My advice is quicker to read than Ulrike's

    If you find a relative's "ideals" are alien to your own, just keep quiet and let them go along their merry way... you can't change people and attempting to correct them will just result in a lot of arguments. I really don't get on with my dad most of the time but I just avoid him and thereby the problem is no longer an issue
    Yea, it was a lot quicker to read, but was good as it re-enforced what Datura had said. You're right though about keeping quiet and letting them go along their merry way, it's just sometimes hard to ignore what they say and keep quiet because you just know how wrong they are but it does result in huge arguments and conflicts between family members if you do say anything to them. Ugh, family eh!

    Quote Originally Posted by tke71709 View Post
    You can pick your friends, you can't pick your family. So you have to put up with stuff from your family that you wouldn't from your friends is what I meant to say.
    Indeed! But you can only put up with it to a certain degree before you snap and arguments ensue!

    Everything that everyone has said in this thread has been great for me, and I'm sure for other members that feel the same way too about their own relatives. It's just one of those funny things in life that we have to go through I guess. I do love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magical, awful, beautiful life though!

    Andrew Cooper

  10. #10
    I Love Licorice silver trophybronze trophy Datura's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AndrewCooper View Post

    Everything that everyone has said in this thread has been great for me, and I'm sure for other members that feel the same way too about their own relatives. It's just one of those funny things in life that we have to go through I guess. I do love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magical, awful, beautiful life though!

    Andrew Cooper
    It gets easier as you get older Andrew. And yes, do not let conflicting emotions destroy the beauty of your life

    Much success to you
    Ulrike
    TUTs: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

  11. #11
    SitePoint Enthusiast sparkie2260's Avatar
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    That sounds so sad. I think, you just accept and ignore those things. You can make it right.


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