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  1. #1
    SitePoint Member my_girl's Avatar
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    let's pause and have a laugh....!!!

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No! Get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," the man says and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

  2. #2
    One website at a time mmj's Avatar
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    ah
    [mmj] My magic jigsaw
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  3. #3
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    lol, If looking for some joke and this one is quiet good.

  4. #4
    SitePoint Enthusiast Wuiqed's Avatar
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    Two men are facing a judge on the charges of posession of a small amount of drugs. Realizing that the men doesn't pose a serious threat to society the judge tells them that if they manage to stop other addicts of using, he'll let them off the hook. A week later the men return.

    - Your honor, I managed to get 12 addicts to stop using drugs! says the first man.
    - Great! says the judge. How'd you do it?
    - Well, I just took a piece of paper and drew a large circle and a small one. I then pointed to the large circle and said "This is your brain before you start doing drugs".
    - Genious! the judge exclaimed.

    The judge then turned to the other man.

    - And how many did you manage to stop using?
    - 297, responded the man!
    - AMAZING! How'd manage that?
    - Well, I used the same paper with circles, but I pointed to the small circle and said "This is your anus before you go to prison... "

  5. #5
    SitePoint Enthusiast
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    hahahahahaha. necessity is the mother of innovation eh?

  6. #6
    SitePoint Zealot ozone88's Avatar
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    Catherine

  7. #7
    Non-Member eautocad's Avatar
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    Lol

  8. #8
    Extremists Beware! Rockrz's Avatar
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    Dear Tide:

    I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

    Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

    One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

    What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

    I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

    Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people
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  9. #9
    SitePoint Enthusiast WickedGoddess's Avatar
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    oh my.. This makes my day nice

  10. #10
    SitePoint Enthusiast devAngel's Avatar
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    haha the Tide joke was fantastic..
    sig space open...

  11. #11
    SitePoint Member Decipher's Avatar
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    A turtle was out for a walk late one night when he was mugged by a gang of snails.

    Later, the police were asking the turtle to describe his attackers.

    "I don't know", said the turtle, "It all happened so fast."
    Custom Landing Pages - Only $55
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  12. #12
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    Lol great jokes everyone.

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of tarmac under his arm. He orders 2 beers. The barman asks "why do you need 2?" to which the man replies "one for now and one for the road!"

  13. #13
    Extremists Beware! Rockrz's Avatar
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    A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

    After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.

    The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

    Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

    The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to a big plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
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  14. #14
    Extremists Beware! Rockrz's Avatar
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    A new young bride calls her mother in tears.

    She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

    "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all
    just a misunderstanding."

    "No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey
    roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

    "Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
    "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

    "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the
    airplane ticket."

    "Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket
    for?"

    "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the
    directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a
    frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."

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  15. #15
    Extremists Beware! Rockrz's Avatar
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    A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Norwegian sausage.
    The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Norwegian?"

    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya?"

    The clerk says "Well, no."

    With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy responds, "Well, all right then, why the HECK did you ask me if I'm Norwegian just because I ask for Norwegian sausage?"

    "Because this is a hardware store."
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  16. #16
    SitePoint Guru htpc's Avatar
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    This isn't a joke, but a true story. Amusing nonetheless, and I think most will identify with it.

    A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

    Dear Sir,

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

    My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

    My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

    1 To make an appointment to see me.
    2 To query a missing payment.
    3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    6 to transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    7 To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact)
    8 To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
    9 To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

    Your Humble Client

    (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;
    DOESNT SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)
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  17. #17
    SitePoint Enthusiast Wuiqed's Avatar
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    It was a saturday evening and Jimmy had taken his wife to have dinner with her family. When the family went to bed his wife decided to stay and spend the night, so she followed him outside to say goodbye. As they closed the front door Jimmy turned around with a big grin and leaned against the wall.

    "Hey baby, how about you give me some... erm, oral pleasure before I go?"

    His wife blushed, giggled and looked around...

    "Oh, come on now honey, it's almost dark and no one's around. And even if someone walks by they can't see into the garden 'cause of the bushes."

    After 10 minutes of begging and pleading with a dozen different metaphors for oral sex the front door is suddenly opened by the wife's younger sister. She yawns and explains...

    "Dad told me to tell you to give it to him already. If not, I can do it. If worst comes to worst, he'll come down and do it. But for god's sake, get your goddamn hand off the ****ing intercom button."

  18. #18
    got beer? jabo's Avatar
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    Realizing he was lost, a balloonist dropped down to ask directions.
    "Excuse me, but I'm a little off course," he shouted. "I promised to meet a friend an hour ago, and I don't know where I am."
    A woman hollered back: "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're at exactly 40 degrees, 22 minutes, and 21 seconds North latitude, and 70 degrees, 30 minutes, and 33 seconds West longitude."
    "Amazing," the balloonist replied. "You must be an engineer!"
    "I am," she replied. "But how did you know?"
    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technicallly correct, but I can't use your information. I'm still lost and you haven't been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
    The woman thought for a moment, and then replied: "You must be in management."
    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"
    "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to your position due to a large quantity of hot air.
    You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems."
    "In fact," she said, "you're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but somehow it's now my fault."

  19. #19
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    hahaha ...funny...thanks for posting

  20. #20
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    haha have a lot fun .Thanks for share!

  21. #21
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy TheOriginalH's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wuiqed View Post
    It was a saturday evening and Jimmy had taken his wife to have dinner with her family. When the family went to bed his wife decided to stay and spend the night, so she followed him outside to say goodbye. As they closed the front door Jimmy turned around with a big grin and leaned against the wall.

    "Hey baby, how about you give me some... erm, oral pleasure before I go?"

    His wife blushed, giggled and looked around...

    "Oh, come on now honey, it's almost dark and no one's around. And even if someone walks by they can't see into the garden 'cause of the bushes."

    After 10 minutes of begging and pleading with a dozen different metaphors for oral sex the front door is suddenly opened by the wife's younger sister. She yawns and explains...

    "Dad told me to tell you to give it to him already. If not, I can do it. If worst comes to worst, he'll come down and do it. But for god's sake, get your goddamn hand off the ****ing intercom button."

    Better visually: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BlqpSIQtDk
    ~The Artist Latterly Known as Crazy Hamster~
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    Currently delving into Django, GIT & CentOS

  22. #22
    SitePoint Member
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    all these jokes just made my morning go a little bit easier. thanks.

  23. #23
    SitePoint Enthusiast EvcRo's Avatar
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    I've heard it before but it's always a pleasure to laugh

  24. #24
    SitePoint Wizard bronze trophy Kailash Badu's Avatar
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    Except, you are laughing about two and half months later than everyone did.

  25. #25
    SitePoint Author silver trophybronze trophy

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    People with 'SEO' in their links never miss an opportunity to gain exposure for their signatures.
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