Dear Ah Beng,
I am a Filipina maid. My Sir and Mum always want me to clean the windows of their 12th storey flat. There is no way to clean the outside other than leaning out the window.
It is very dangerous and I am very scared of falling out. But my Sir and Mum get very angry if I don't. What can I do?
Ah Beng replies........
Wah, damn chia lat. Acherly, I also don'ch know why Singaporeans want to clean their windows. Maybe you can persuade your Sir or Mum that leaving the windows dirty is a good thing. If windows dirty, then can walk around the flat naked, mah. If clean-clean, then some kaypoh neighbour sure kao peh kao bu, then you kena saman. But then, depending on what your Sir or Mum look like, maybe the sight of them naked might make you jump voluntarily.
You maybe also want to tie yourself tight-tight to something solid if you have to lean out. Of course, you could always break the windows. Then got nothing to clean, mah. But then, it makes it easier for your Sir or Mum to throw you out. Aiyah, why not just run away and come work for us at Geylang Lorong 69? At least here, the Sirs pay you for the extra service. !
Dear Ah Beng,
Beng ah Beng, I also want to be an Ah Beng. Everyday sit kopi tiam, put leg on chair, smoke and drink. Some more always hang out in shopping centre, got char bor. Most important, no need to study. Can tell me which gang to join? If you tell me, I sure get all my kakis to join.
Nin nao hiah! You think be Ah Beng so easy, ah? Must study one, you know! Got a lot of rules. You think you can anyhow go Queensway and get tattoo, ah? Wait you get the wrong tattoo, and some other gang see you, sure kena hoot upside down! And what, you think so easy grow long last fingernail? Got regulation one, leh! We use it to dig ear... if too long or sharp, can burst your eardrum!
And what, you think we just KLKK around the shopping centre cho boh lan and sian char bor? You think char bor attracted to Ah Bengs, ah? Acherly, they are our accomplices, and we are all there to shoplift or kuah chui (keep a lookout)! You think be Ah Beng is hobby, is it? It's a profession!
My gang is earning so much revenue, ! heard Singapore Technologies also wants to form a GLG (government-linked gang) to come into the market. So join a gang only if you're serious. In fact, join a gang only if your studies are damn tok kong.
We do'wan any old samseng nowsaday, leh! You just want to relac one corner in a kopi tiam, then be a kopi kiah. So once you wake up your idea, you can come down to No. 6969 Geylang Lorong 69 for an interview with us at the Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society. Bring your 'O' Level cert.