SitePoint Sponsor

User Tag List

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 33

Thread: Tell a joke!!

  1. #1
    Theoretical Physics Student bronze trophy Jake Arkinstall's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Lancaster University, UK
    Posts
    7,062
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Talking Tell a joke!!

    Ok, we all need something to cheer us up now and then.

    Tell a joke!!!

    Please no racist/discriminatory jokes!
    Jake Arkinstall
    "Sometimes you don't need to reinvent the wheel;
    Sometimes its enough to make that wheel more rounded"-Molona

  2. #2
    SitePoint Addict
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    260
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    A 0 and an 8 were walking through the park. The 0 turned to the 8 and said 'gee, your belts tight...'


  3. #3
    Theoretical Physics Student bronze trophy Jake Arkinstall's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Lancaster University, UK
    Posts
    7,062
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Lol, bad but clever lol.

    Here's one on my iGoogle 4 days ago: (If you are in the UK, replace Yankees with Man U and Red Sox with Arsenal )

    A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
    "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
    "The Red Sox."
    "Why's that?"
    "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
    "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
    "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
    Jake Arkinstall
    "Sometimes you don't need to reinvent the wheel;
    Sometimes its enough to make that wheel more rounded"-Molona

  4. #4
    SitePoint Guru Rob_D's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    882
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)

    Talking

    Going up to the bar to get a drink one evening a man said to me, "Do you want to hear a joke?"

    "OK", I say.

    And here it goes:

    A man goes to the surgery and is shown in to see the doctor.
    Doctor: "Hello, what's your problem?"
    Man: "I'm a moth."
    Doctor: "Okaaay..., but what's your problem?"
    Man: "I'm a moth!"
    Doctor: "Well, with all due respect, sir, I think you should see a psychologist."
    Man: "I know."
    Doctor: "Then why are you here?"
    Man: "The light was on."
    It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
    Arthur C. Clarke

  5. #5
    Keep Moving Forward gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy
    Shaun(OfTheDead)'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Trinidad
    Posts
    3,727
    Mentioned
    44 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    haha. I like that one.




    Trying to fill the unforgiving minute
    with sixty seconds' worth of distance run.

    Update on Sitepoint's Migration to Discourse

  6. #6
    Keep Moving Forward gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy
    Shaun(OfTheDead)'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Trinidad
    Posts
    3,727
    Mentioned
    44 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Okay I'll recycle the one I told in that infamous "Ah Beng" thread...



    An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

    He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

    To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

    And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

    He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand."


    When the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched.

    He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

    The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese-a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

    Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and says, And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

    The Irishman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither."

    The foreman is really angry now. He storms off to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...

    "SUPPLIES!!"






    Trying to fill the unforgiving minute
    with sixty seconds' worth of distance run.

    Update on Sitepoint's Migration to Discourse

  7. #7
    SitePoint Guru Rob_D's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    882
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    ^
    It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
    Arthur C. Clarke

  8. #8
    SitePoint Wizard bronze trophy conradical's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Atlanta
    Posts
    2,354
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)
    3 old ladies sitting on a park bench when an exhibitionist walks up in front and exposes himself to them. Two of the old ladies immediately had a stroke.

    The third one couldn't reach.

    ---

    A blonde went to the lake one day and she was the only one there. On the opposite side there was brunette and she was the only one on her side of the lake. Being the only two people there the brunette waved and shouted out to the blonde "How do I get to the other side"

    The blonde shouted back "You silly woman, you are already on the other side"

  9. #9
    SitePoint Zealot Jim Beam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    171
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Chack Norris has died...

  10. #10
    Galactic Overlord gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy
    HAWK's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    12,327
    Mentioned
    885 Post(s)
    Tagged
    13 Thread(s)
    A man walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm and says "This is the pig I'm sleeping with". His wife says "That's not a pig, it's a duck". The man says "I was talking to the duck".

  11. #11
    In memoriam gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy Dan Schulz's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Aurora, Illinois
    Posts
    15,495
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    "On this day, in this fine General Chat thread, I, Dan Schulz, hereby fake my date of birth and announce that I am officially running for President of the United States of America."

    No no no, that won't work.

    Ok, let's try this then.

    "Stewie Griffin and Bender both walk into a bar. The bartender looks at Stewie and points at the sign that reads 'No One Under 21 Permitted Without An Adult.' He then points at the other sign which reads 'No Robots Allowed.' Stewie then pulls out his death ray and kills the barkeep, while Bender loads up on all the booze he can before saying 'CHEESE IT!' prior to bolting for the door."

    Nah nah, that won't work either. Let's try a knock-knock joke instead. Those always seem to work.

    "Knock knock. Who's there. Me. I bore you."

    Eh, must not be my day. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

    Oh, you said to tell a JOKE!!!

    "Today I announce that I am turning in my Mentor badge so I can get a real job. I'm going to become a greeter at WalMart. 'Welcome to WalMart. Get your garbage and get out! Have a nice day.' "

    Off Topic:

    For the record, the greeters at the Walmart I go to are some of the nicest, most respectful people I have ever had the pleasure to meet.

  12. #12
    Keep Moving Forward gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy
    Shaun(OfTheDead)'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Trinidad
    Posts
    3,727
    Mentioned
    44 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    I think you should quit while you're ahead, Dan.




    Trying to fill the unforgiving minute
    with sixty seconds' worth of distance run.

    Update on Sitepoint's Migration to Discourse

  13. #13
    In memoriam gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy Dan Schulz's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Aurora, Illinois
    Posts
    15,495
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Ahead of what, the freight train that's about to run me over?

    (Besides, the lack of a good joke was the joke. I'm normally very funny, but decided to take a break from this thread - HEY WAKE UP SHAUN! I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO SLEEP!!!)

  14. #14
    Keep Moving Forward gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy
    Shaun(OfTheDead)'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Trinidad
    Posts
    3,727
    Mentioned
    44 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Exactly. And that's why Brain will still kick Stewie's *ss.




    Trying to fill the unforgiving minute
    with sixty seconds' worth of distance run.

    Update on Sitepoint's Migration to Discourse

  15. #15
    In memoriam gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy Dan Schulz's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Aurora, Illinois
    Posts
    15,495
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Not with Pinky around he won't.

  16. #16
    SitePoint Member Niki Liu's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Posts
    24
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Haha, Pinky and the Brain... Haven't seen that in a loooong time.

    Anyway...this thread was for jokes, so here's one.

    How are ducks and wheels similar?
    They both roll...except the duck.

    *Cough*
    Niki

  17. #17
    SitePoint Guru Rob_D's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    882
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
    A: A walk.

    Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
    A: A cloud.
    It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
    Arthur C. Clarke

  18. #18
    SitePoint Guru Rob_D's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    882
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    A: No idea.

    Q: What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
    A: Still no idea.

    Boom boom.
    It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
    Arthur C. Clarke

  19. #19
    In memoriam gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy Dan Schulz's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Aurora, Illinois
    Posts
    15,495
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Quote Originally Posted by Rob_D View Post
    Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    A: No idea.

    Q: What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
    A: Still no idea.

    Boom boom.
    Dinner is the answer we were looking for. Dinner.

  20. #20
    I hate Spammers mobyme's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Sunny Snowdonia
    Posts
    662
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    A legionnaires joke about officers from way back.

    Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
    By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
    This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit."
    Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.
    I didn't mean to hurt you.
    I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going.
    In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
    "It's quite OK," replied the snake.
    "Actually, my story is much the same as yours.
    I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
    Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and find out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
    "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
    So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.
    I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
    "Oh, thank you"
    Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
    The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls.
    I'd say you must be French".
    There are three kinds of men:
    The ones that learn by reading.
    The few who learn by observation.
    The rest of us have to pee on the electric fence.

  21. #21
    I meant that to happen silver trophybronze trophy Raffles's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Tanzania
    Posts
    4,662
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    ^ That's pretty good.

    I don't get this one:
    How are ducks and wheels similar?
    They both roll...except the duck.

  22. #22
    Theoretical Physics Student bronze trophy Jake Arkinstall's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Lancaster University, UK
    Posts
    7,062
    Mentioned
    2 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    Lol, you're not supposed to.

    Another bad taste iGoogle Joke:
    Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

    Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

    The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''
    Jake Arkinstall
    "Sometimes you don't need to reinvent the wheel;
    Sometimes its enough to make that wheel more rounded"-Molona

  23. #23
    In memoriam gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy Dan Schulz's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Aurora, Illinois
    Posts
    15,495
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    That reminds me of a cheap parrot joke that was published here once.

    A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00

    "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

    The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you first that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty tough stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided at that price she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam." The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then thought, "Well, that's really not so bad."

    When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls". The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then they began to laugh about the comments considering how and where the parrot had been living for the past twenty years.

    Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

  24. #24
    Keep Moving Forward gold trophysilver trophybronze trophy
    Shaun(OfTheDead)'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Trinidad
    Posts
    3,727
    Mentioned
    44 Post(s)
    Tagged
    0 Thread(s)
    This one real schupid, eh. I warnin' all yuh...




    So this explorer guy from a random European country (a lot like Raffles) decides to visit a small-island of the Caribbean for his vacation. He makes his reservations, packs his bags, and he's off, "Whooosh!" (that's the sound of the plane flying).


    "Whoosh!"


    As his plane lands and as he walks down the stairs he hears them... drums.

    Off in the distance.

    A constant, pounding, island beat.

    "Boom doom. Boo doom boom. Boo doom boom. etc. etc..."


    And when I say "constant", I mean constant.

    As the island airport greeters tell him

    - "Welcome to island, mon"

    ...he hears the drums.


    As he walks through the terminal to collect his bags... he hears the drums.


    He signs his papers and gets his book stamped... he hears the drums.


    He steps out the airport to get a taxi... he hears the drums.


    Even when he gets to his apartment... quite on the other side of the island... he keeps hearing the drums.


    After an uncomfortable and sleepless night (kept awake by the drumming) he shuffles out of his room, eyes red and glazed, and despirate for answers.
    He wanders around in the lobby for awhile, "Aha!" and asks the first local that he sees,

    - "My dear chap, excuse me... When does this infernal drumming stop??" (Yes... "infernal")

    - "Not good when drums stop."

    - "And why not, chap?"

    - "When drums stop, bass solo starts."






    Trying to fill the unforgiving minute
    with sixty seconds' worth of distance run.

    Update on Sitepoint's Migration to Discourse

  25. #25
    whagwan? silver trophybronze trophy akritic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Posts
    2,780
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Tagged
    1 Thread(s)


Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •