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  1. #1
    ALT.NET - because we need it silver trophybronze trophy dhtmlgod's Avatar
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    The return of D's Terrible Jokes



    A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison started training a large fly to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

    "When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the fly. "we're going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune."

    Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.

    At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. "What about this fly, eh?" he said to the bartender.

    In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe.

    "Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Damn things are everywhere."

    ------------------------------

    A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and urinates in the pint.

    The man asks the barman who owns the monkey.

    The barman replies the piano player.

    The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just urinated in my beer?"

    The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."

    -------------------------------

    A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

    In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
    machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

    ------------------------------

    A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.

    "What the hell is that?" he asks.

    "War wound. I took a bullet in the ***** in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"

    Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!

    "What the hell is that?"

    "War wound. Germany, bullet in the *****, left three holes"

    The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!

    "War wound??"

    "Naah, my zipper's stuck"

    ------------------------------------

  2. #2
    We like music. weirdbeardmt's Avatar
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    Finally... proof that drinking beer is good for you...
    I swear to drunk I'm not God.
    Matt's debating is not a crime
    Hint: Don't buy a stupid dwarf Clicky

  3. #3
    Xbox why have you forsaken me? moospot's Avatar
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    Keep 'em coming, LOL!


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