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Thread: jokes....

  1. #1
    blonde.... Sarah's Avatar
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    jokes....

    okay just got this in and hopefully they aren't too rude to post (?) - but well if you need a giggle look no further....

    Imagine if all major manufacturers started producing their own brand of condoms.........

    Tesco Condoms: every little helps
    Sainsbury Condoms: making life taste better
    Nike Condoms: Just do it.
    Peugeot Condoms: The ride of your life.
    Galaxy Condoms: Why have rubber when you can have silk.
    KFC Condoms: Finger, Licking good.
    Minstrels Condoms: melt in your mouth , not in your hands.
    Safeway condoms: Lightening the load..
    Abbey National condoms: because life is complicated enough.
    Coca Cola condoms: The real thing.
    Ever Ready condoms: keep going and going.
    Macintosh condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
    Pringles condoms: once you pop, you cant stop
    Burger King condoms: Home of the whopper
    Goodyear condoms: " for a longer ride go wide "
    FCUK condoms: no comment required.
    Muller Light condoms: so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
    Flash condoms: Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work.
    Halford condoms: we go the extra mile.
    ON digital condoms: plug and play !!!!
    Royal Mail condoms: I saw this and thought of you.
    Andrex condoms: Soft, strong and very very long.
    Renault condoms: size really does matter!
    Regular user

  2. #2
    SitePoint Addict Seer's Avatar
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    Oh come on, MS would definately have to try and take part in that one. Imagine the baby boomers?!

    Microsoft Condoms - Where do you want to go today?
    Eh, "A general protection fault has occured..."

  3. #3
    Fried Gold Polymath's Avatar
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    'Where do you want to go today?'

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    SitePoint Guru SWD's Avatar
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    I dont know! where do you want?
    Our Sites: Arcade Muffin | Viefex

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    SitePoint Member malabar's Avatar
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    here are some good ones:

    1)A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh
    blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

    Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him
    about where he got it from. He told them to bugger off and let him get
    some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK", he said
    "FOLLOW ME" and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
    Down thru a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest full
    of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly
    milled around him, tongues hanging out, thirsty for blood.

    "Do you see that large oak tree over there" the bat asked. "YES, YES,
    YES" the bats all replied in a frenzy.
    "GOOD" said the vampire bat, "Because I ****ing didn't!"



    2)A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
    The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

    The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

    The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

    all about knives? what would i know about em? oh well.. whatever!
    I'm a certified Ninjai fanatic

  6. #6
    SitePoint Guru SWD's Avatar
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    the best one is the Just Do It!
    Our Sites: Arcade Muffin | Viefex

  7. #7
    1-800-JMULDER JMulder's Avatar
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    I love that Pringles one! Ahaha!!
    Jeroen Mulder

    w: www.jeroenmulder.com

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    SitePoint Guru davedibiase's Avatar
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    rofl...

    aha thats good...!

    damn this is the best one I could find...ah well I have one thats 10x better...

    Johny was a very young boy, around the age of 7-8. At a young age he learned the power and warmth of God.

    One day he decided to write a letter to God asking for $100.00. He wanted to purchase a toy that he wanted so bad so he decided God would be the person to ask.

    He sat down and wrote:


    Dear God,
    I would like $100.00. I have been praying and following your rules and I was just wondering if you would kindly send me some money...

    Thank you,

    John B.


    Johny then sent it off with his return address and recipient address: God. When the post office saw this letter they thought it was very cute, they decided to forward it to Washington where George Bush got a hold of it.

    He thought that it was so cute that he would tell his secretary to send $5.00 to the little boy and a letter.

    When the boy received the letter he was overjoyed...he open it up and to his surprise found $5.00. He also noticed it came directly from Washington DC. He was so thankful he decided to send another letter thanking god:


    Dear God,

    I am very thankful for your gift, but next time may you please forward it to me directly instead of sending it through Washington?

    Those jerks deducted $95.00...
    ||Dave Di Biase||
    ----------------------------------
    "There are 2 secrets in life. 1) Never say everything you know."
    GFXWARS - The ultimate graphics battle!

  9. #9
    SitePoint Member malabar's Avatar
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    lol! ^^
    all about knives? what would i know about em? oh well.. whatever!
    I'm a certified Ninjai fanatic

  10. #10
    SitePoint Wizard Aes's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Seer
    ... Microsoft Condoms - Where do you want to go today?
    Eh, "A general protection fault has occured..."
    Microsoft Condoms - A general protection fault has occured...

    That's great!
    Originally posted by davedibiase
    ... Johny was a very young boy, around the age of 7-8. At a young age he learned the power and warmth of God.

    One day he decided to write a letter to God asking for $100.00. He wanted to purchase a toy that he wanted so bad so he decided God would be the person to ask.

    He sat down and wrote:


    Dear God,
    I would like $100.00. I have been praying and following your rules and I was just wondering if you would kindly send me some money...

    Thank you,

    John B.


    Johny then sent it off with his return address and recipient address: God. When the post office saw this letter they thought it was very cute, they decided to forward it to Washington where George Bush got a hold of it.

    He thought that it was so cute that he would tell his secretary to send $5.00 to the little boy and a letter.

    When the boy received the letter he was overjoyed...he open it up and to his surprise found $5.00. He also noticed it came directly from Washington DC. He was so thankful he decided to send another letter thanking god:


    Dear God,

    I am very thankful for your gift, but next time may you please forward it to me directly instead of sending it through Washington?

    Those jerks deducted $95.00...
    I'll wager that this joke is based off of an old Spanish story entitled Una Carta a Dios.
    Colin Anderson
    Ambition is a poor excuse for those without
    sense enough to be lazy.

  11. #11
    SitePoint Guru davedibiase's Avatar
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    ...

    boop...I wouldn't know...

    Una Carta a Dios means a letter to god...right?

    I only know spanish from ear...I know a LOT of spanish and learned quite a bit over the years. Also the fact that I am italian makes it a lot easier to understand.

    lol...if I lived in the US I would prob get 100% marks on test ...but up here we are taught French
    ||Dave Di Biase||
    ----------------------------------
    "There are 2 secrets in life. 1) Never say everything you know."
    GFXWARS - The ultimate graphics battle!

  12. #12
    SitePoint Guru moonman's Avatar
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    I wish I knew some clean jokes to share with you all.

  13. #13
    SitePoint Guru SWD's Avatar
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    jokes are fun
    Our Sites: Arcade Muffin | Viefex

  14. #14
    SitePoint Guru moonman's Avatar
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    Apologies if anyone finds this offensive

    THE "TWO COW" EXPLANATION OF WHAT MAKES...

    A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
    You have two cows.
    You keep one and
    give one to your neighbor.

    A SOCIALIST:
    You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

    AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    So what?

    AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
    successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

    A COMMUNIST:
    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

    A FASCIST:
    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

    DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
    You have two cows.
    The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
    You have two cows.
    The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
    ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    They are mad. They die.
    Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION:
    You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You worship both of them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

    AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
    There are these two Jewish cows, right?
    They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

    AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
    You have two cows.
    That one on the left is kinda cute...

  15. #15
    SitePoint Addict Seer's Avatar
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    The gov one's were funny stuff, the rest are likely to tick some people off.
    The cute cow one though....

  16. #16
    SitePoint Guru moonman's Avatar
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    Yeah, some people might be offended, but at the end of the day 99% of jokes are offensive to someone. I'm English, but I wasn't offended by the Mad Cow reference.

  17. #17
    SitePoint Guru moonman's Avatar
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    A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

    "House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

    One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split
    the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

    The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half your pay check buying accessories for it.

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


    The women were right, computer in French is masculine!

  18. #18
    Say WHA?! goober's Avatar
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    the start of a few from moi =)

    Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
    there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However,
    every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
    invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that
    no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
    scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
    mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
    Evil Overlord:

    1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
    not face-concealing ones.

    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
    kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
    Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
    Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
    object which is my one weakness.

    6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

    7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
    me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No."
    and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

    8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
    immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
    weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

    9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
    necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
    labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push"
    will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to
    disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

    10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
    hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

    11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
    to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
    enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

    12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
    in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

    13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds
    of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
    cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
    celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

    14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
    other form of last request.

    15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
    that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
    when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
    operation.

    16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
    one thing I want to know."

    17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

    18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt
    to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction
    at a crucial point in time.

    19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
    evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
    own father.

    20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
    maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
    developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

    21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
    for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
    them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
    hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
    positive mind-set.

    22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
    will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

    23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
    in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
    power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless
    -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with
    spears and rocks.

    24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
    weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
    least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
    INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

    25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
    of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
    virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

    26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
    is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
    Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

    27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
    systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
    same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

    28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
    escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

    29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
    into confusion.

    30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
    cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes
    will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of
    comic relief.

    31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
    surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
    reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

    32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
    news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard
    to come by.

    33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
    wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
    dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be
    reserved for formal occasions.

    34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

    35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
    diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

    36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
    block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will
    keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
    copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

    37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
    battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

    38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
    anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
    waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me
    in my old age.

    39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
    the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
    number among his army.

    40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
    superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
    keeping it in reserve.

    41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

    42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
    monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
    untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

    43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
    beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
    looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

    44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
    for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
    to give the other guy a sporting chance.

    45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
    for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
    not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
    failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

    46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
    man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

    47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
    will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for
    him to mature.

    48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
    with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will
    not immediately come after me for revenge.

    49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me,
    I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
    out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

    50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
    will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

    51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
    conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
    him to a less people-oriented position.

    52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
    examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
    tunnels that I might not know about.

    53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
    Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

    54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
    double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

    55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
    in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
    covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
    there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

    56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
    cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
    target practice.

    57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
    carefully read the owner's manual.

    58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
    dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

    59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

    60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
    code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds,
    it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

    61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
    scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

    62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
    structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

    63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
    they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
    through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

    64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
    unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
    disadvantage.

    65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals,
    the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as
    the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
    actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

    66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
    who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
    fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
    will trigger the alarm system.

    67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
    instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
    full-scale emergency.

    68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
    only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
    good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better
    save my life again.

    69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
    delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
    foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

    70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
    travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of
    them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
    initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
    around a corner.

    71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should
    be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
    standing by in case the answer is no.

    72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
    begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
    using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

    73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
    contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

    74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that
    my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
    label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

    75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
    instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
    one or two at a time.

    76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
    struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also
    not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge
    over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

    77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
    the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain
    enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of
    earshot before making the offer.

    78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!"
    The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

    79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon
    as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
    limited-edition commemorative coins.

    80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
    best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as
    he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

    81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
    him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
    flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find
    out what he saw.

    82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front
    of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

    83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
    have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both
    of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

    84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

    85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
    complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then
    activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will
    be more along the lines of "Push the button."

    86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
    87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
    Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

    88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
    them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

    89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
    disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds
    the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I
    took it from him.

    90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
    facing away from the door.

    91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
    obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment
    is finished. It might actually be important.

    92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
    Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight
    on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few
    months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of
    righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

    93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
    who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled
    to go first.

    94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
    grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

    95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
    bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
    the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead
    of opening up the cell for a look.

    96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
    panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on
    the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

    97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
    reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

    98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
    monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
    will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together
    against their will and they spend all their time bickering and
    criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when
    they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of
    sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

    99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45 Mb in size.

    100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
    trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
    Sean Killeen [LinkedIn] [Twitter] [Web]

    Warning: Reality.sys corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot? (Y/N)

  19. #19
    Say WHA?! goober's Avatar
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    On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light,and next to him is a kid on
    his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to
    you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that
    bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

    The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got
    there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
    The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse,
    instead of on top."
    Sean Killeen [LinkedIn] [Twitter] [Web]

    Warning: Reality.sys corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot? (Y/N)

  20. #20
    Say WHA?! goober's Avatar
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    The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove
    that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The
    President decides to give them a test. He releases a
    rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants
    throughout the forest. They question all plant and
    mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
    investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they
    burn the forest, killing everything in it, including
    the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had
    it coming.

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a
    badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
    I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
    Sean Killeen [LinkedIn] [Twitter] [Web]

    Warning: Reality.sys corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot? (Y/N)

  21. #21
    Say WHA?! goober's Avatar
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    Friendship

    Are you tired of all those "friendship" poems that
    always sound good but never actually come close to
    reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really
    speaks to true friendship and truth itself.

    My Friend...

    When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you
    plot revenge against the sorry person who made you sad.

    When you are blue, I'll dislodge whatever is choking
    you.

    When you smile, I'll know you finally got some.

    When you are scared, I will rag you about it every
    chance I get.

    When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories
    about how much worse it can be and to quit whining.

    When you are confused, I will use little words to
    explain it to your sorry butt.

    When you are sick, stay away from me until you are well
    again. I don't want whatever you have.

    When you fall, I will point and laugh at you.

    This is my oath, I pledge till the end. Why you may
    ask? Because you're my friend.

    Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get
    depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends,
    and one of them is not speaking to you right now
    anyway.
    Sean Killeen [LinkedIn] [Twitter] [Web]

    Warning: Reality.sys corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot? (Y/N)

  22. #22
    Say WHA?! goober's Avatar
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    (To be sung to the tune of "My Favourite Things.")

    PPP Daemons and protocol routers
    TCP/IP and fast system booters
    Long network cables like tincans on strings
    These are a few of the Internet things


    Serial modems and null-modem cables
    Millions of dip switches, all without labels
    Flow control, stop bits, software and hard
    Wondering why your connection is barred


    INN, CNEWS, nntp servers
    slurp to collect it (do we really deserve this?)
    Route it to daemon, cross fingers and pray
    This is what happens most every day.


    Internal subnets, with bridges and routers
    Protocol stacks on DOS/Windows computers
    Flaky net configs that break on a whim
    Leaving the packets stuffed into a SIMM


    FTP proxies and webfile homepages
    Clueless Mac users in mad crazy rages
    Protocol packets that stop for their tea
    Leaving me wondering where the hell they can be


    HTML specs and World Wide Web rootfiles
    POP3, SMTP, DNS bootfiles
    MMDF and the sendmail config
    Why is the mail spool direct'ry so big?


    When the POP dies! When the line drops!
    When I'm feeling stress ...
    I simply start playing with my network configs,
    And get into a much ... worse mess.
    Sean Killeen [LinkedIn] [Twitter] [Web]

    Warning: Reality.sys corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot? (Y/N)

  23. #23
    Say WHA?! goober's Avatar
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    last one for now, probably the best =)

    I like monkeys.

    The pet store was selling them for 5 each. I thought
    that was odd since they were normally a couple thousand
    dollars each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the
    mouth.

    I bought 200.

    I like monkeys.

    I took my 200 monkeys home.

    I have a big car.

    I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund.

    He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
    bright. They kept punching themselves in their
    genitals.

    I laughed.

    Then they punched my genitals.

    I stopped laughing.

    I herded them into my apartment.

    They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.

    They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
    high speeds and slam into the wall.

    Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its
    novelty halfway into its third hour.

    Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so
    inexpensive: they all died.

    No apparent reason.

    They all just sort of dropped dead.

    Kind odd like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five
    hours later.

    Damn cheap monkeys.

    I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys
    lying all over my apartment. On the bed, in the
    dresser, hanging from my bookcase.

    It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

    I tried to flush one down the toilet.

    It didn't work. It got stuck.

    Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry
    monkeys.

    I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.

    That worked for a while.

    That is until they began to decompose.

    Then it started to smell real bad.

    I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet
    and I didn't want to call the plumber.

    I was embarrassed.

    I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing
    them.

    Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two
    monkeys at a time, so I had to change them every 30
    seconds.

    I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it
    didn't all go bad.

    I tried burning them.

    Little did I know my bed was flammable.

    I had to extinguish the fire.

    Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead,
    frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred
    monkeys in a pile on my bed.

    The odor wasn't improving.

    I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my
    monkeys or use the bathroom.

    I severely beat one of my monkeys.

    I felt better.

    I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that
    the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates.

    I told him that I had a wet one.

    He couldn't take that one either.

    I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

    I finally arrived at a solution.

    I gave them out as Christmas gifts.

    My friends didn't know quite what to say.

    They pretended that they like them but I could tell
    they were lying.

    Ingrates.

    So I punched them in the genitals.

    I like monkeys.
    Sean Killeen [LinkedIn] [Twitter] [Web]

    Warning: Reality.sys corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot? (Y/N)

  24. #24
    SitePoint Guru davedibiase's Avatar
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    ROFL...HELARIOUS Osama Bin Ladin jokes:

    http://www.thecomedylab.com/jokes/schtuff/osama/

    3 short pages worth
    ||Dave Di Biase||
    ----------------------------------
    "There are 2 secrets in life. 1) Never say everything you know."
    GFXWARS - The ultimate graphics battle!

  25. #25
    SitePoint Guru davedibiase's Avatar
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    ROFL THIS IS FUNNY...

    A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

    The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

    Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
    ||Dave Di Biase||
    ----------------------------------
    "There are 2 secrets in life. 1) Never say everything you know."
    GFXWARS - The ultimate graphics battle!


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