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Thread: Poet Corner

  1. #1
    is very happy now :) Itay Neeman's Avatar
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    Poet Corner

    Couldn't think of a more appropiate title

    I wrote a poem for my English Speakers class, and before I hand it in I'd like some OBJECTIVE (Please, if you hate it, tell me ) opinion on it, so here it is:

    A Path of Loneliness

    The loneliness engulfs all,
    I will neither rest nor stall.
    For human warmth is my quest,
    And all shall hear my call.

    Engrossed by loneliness,
    Neither loved nor caressed.
    Yet my quest is unfulfilled,
    To that I must confess.

    Is that a rose I see in the other shire?
    Or a daffodil glowing by the fire?
    But maybe it is a bush of thorn,
    Waiting for me to tire?

    A worn path amidst a tower,
    Twisting amongst a mourning flower.
    Reaching a wall of sorrow,
    Tears of seclusion on me shower.

    A soft voice singing through the air,
    Accompanied by a warm glare,
    But when I come closer I see,
    It is only just a cold stare.

    But on the way I will keep,
    For love is mysterious and deep.
    Beyond the road I will walk,
    From the essence of life I shall reap.


    Thank you very much,
    Itay
    Last edited by Itay Neeman; Nov 12, 2001 at 14:33.
    Itay - [email] [icq]
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  2. #2
    + platinum's Avatar
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    awwwww, very good Itay....

  3. #3
    SitePoint Wizard silver trophy redemption's Avatar
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    wowzah!... i'm assuming you wrote all of it yourself hehe... that was very nice (and good)
    man you're quite the poet there huh?

  4. #4
    Bimbo With A Brain! silver trophy Saz's Avatar
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    Itay, it's wonderful but so, so sad.

    When I write poetry, it reflects how I'm feeling at the time, and if this is the case with you, why are you so down?
    Saz: Naturally Blonde, Naturally Dizzy!
    No longer Editor of the Community Crier.

    Don't mind me, I'm having a BLONDE moment!

  5. #5
    Fried Gold Polymath's Avatar
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    I think it is pretty good, but a couple of niggly bits leaped out:
    "Accompanied by a warm glare"
    I don't think you can have a warm glare, maybe change 'stare' and 'glare' around, i.e. 'accompanied by a warm stare'?
    Also the "only just a cold stare" bit, 'only just' doesn't seem right, they both mean the same thing,
    how about 'it transforms to a cold stare' or 'it resolves to a cold stare'?
    And the poem is sad, but not overbearingly so, and the finish carries hope and determination.
    I always found one of the hardest things about writing poetry is making it seem natural - and I thought that the line: 'to that I must confess' seemed stilted. How about 'for I remain unblessed'?
    Apart from that, I really did like it, you've obviously spent a fair bit of time on it, Itay. Did you have any constraints put on it, or or did the teacher tell you to do your own thing?

  6. #6
    is very happy now :) Itay Neeman's Avatar
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    Thanks for all the compliments first of all...

    Yes Saz, unfortunately it's how Im feeling (I cant write poetry and what Im not feeling ).

    Polymath, to address your points:

    1. I'll look into that rhyming. I personally like it but you may have a point.
    2. Yes, that line is a bit stilted but it also has a point I think, kind of a more personal tone.
    3. Actually it took me 15 minutes, because I have a lot to write on the subject.
    4. I didnt even need to write a poem. I need to bring one to class, and she said we could bring of our own. So I wrote this one since it is better than my earlier writings.

    Thanks for the compliments, really glad you liked it. Once I had confidence in my writings, for some reason I lost it lately. Part of my lovely inferiority complex I presume
    Itay - [email] [icq]
    Darklight Studios - Bringing light into gaming
    Pretzel Wisdom
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  7. #7
    is very happy now :) Itay Neeman's Avatar
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    New version...

    Fixed version a bit:

    A Path of Loneliness

    The loneliness engulfs all,
    I will neither rest nor stall.
    For human warmth is my quest,
    And all shall hear my call.

    Engrossed by loneliness,
    Neither loved nor caressed.
    Yet my quest is unfulfilled,
    To that I must confess.

    Is that a rose I see in the other shire?
    Or a daffodil glowing by the fire?
    But maybe it is a bush of thorn,
    Waiting for me to tire.

    A worn path amidst a tower,
    Twisting amongst a mourning flower.
    Reaching a wall of sorrow,
    Tears of seclusion on me shower.

    A soft voice singing through the air,
    Accompanied by a warm glare,
    But when I come closer I see,
    It is only a cold stare.

    But on the way I will keep,
    For love is mysterious and deep.
    Beyond the road I will walk,
    From the essence of life I shall reap.
    Itay - [email] [icq]
    Darklight Studios - Bringing light into gaming
    Pretzel Wisdom
    - Mine... All Mine! coming soon...

  8. #8
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    Wow! I'm impressed!

  9. #9
    SitePoint Wizard
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    This is some amazing work Itay, you have a real talent for poetry.

  10. #10
    Say WHA?! goober's Avatar
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    Is this a poetry corner for everyone? If so, I'll post 3 thinks to three of my poems.

    Itay, you know that I love and always have loved your literary style and your compositions. It goes without mention that this is excellent as well.
    Sean Killeen [LinkedIn] [Twitter] [Web]

    Warning: Reality.sys corrupted. Universe halted. Reboot? (Y/N)


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