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  1. #1
    simple tester McGruff's Avatar
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    A Xmas Horror Story

    Hear ye my tale of Xmas horror.

    It is the custom in my family to charge the eldest son with a quest on the occasion of his coming of age. Those who succeed obtain honour amongst the clan and will in due course inherit the ancient seat of Gruff. Those that fail are outcast to become tinkers, kelp-scalpers and midden-mongers. My own task seemed simple: add some custom BBcode tags to a popular bulletin board.

    Thus I did venture innocently into the land of phpBB whence I was beset on all sides by terrifying, wraith-like global vars: foul creatures cursed to roam the earth until they are encapsulated and laid to rest. With the good fortune of some unit tests about my person, I made a sally at the nearest but my tests turned to dust under its horned and hairy hands. I was in mortal peril and, as they came on for the kill I feared my end had come. Clutching a copy of the PoEAA Bible to my breast I whispered a last prayer:

    "Our Fowler, which code in heaven, hallowed be thy name
    Thy kingdome come. Thy will be done in php, as it is in java.
    Give us this day our enterprise patterns.
    And forgive us our dependencies, and our anti-patterns.
    Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from globals: for thine is the kingdome, and the power, and the glory for($i=1; $i>0; $i++).
    Amen.

    To my astonishment the good book began to glow with a pure, clear light upon which the demons could not bear to gaze. Brandishing my talisman aloft I pressed through the cowering, howling throng, and made my escape.

    The horror was great and I needs must rest awhile. But I have mapped their evil lair, and shall return to my quest soon. First I must reluctantly attend to another custom of the Gruff clan, two night's hence, upon which time each man must consume his own weight in whisky and spraffle a gannet with his bare hands.

  2. #2
    eschew sesquipedalians silver trophy sweatje's Avatar
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    Does anyone know a good Scottish -> English web translator so I can figure out what "spraffle a gannet" is?
    Jason Sweat ZCE - jsweat_php@yahoo.com
    Book: PHP Patterns
    Good Stuff: SimpleTest PHPUnit FireFox ADOdb YUI
    Detestable (adjective): software that isn't testable.

  3. #3
    SitePoint Guru
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    My guess is "choke your chicken"

  4. #4
    SitePoint Wizard davidjmedlock's Avatar
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    I thought this was the PHP forum, not the PCP forum...

  5. #5
    SitePoint Guru OfficeOfTheLaw's Avatar
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    Heh... phpBB is indeed that scary.

    Why is it that alot of highly popular open source php code is so horribly bad? OScommerce is a perfect example....

  6. #6
    SitePoint Wizard DougBTX's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OfficeOfTheLaw
    Heh... phpBB is indeed that scary.

    Why is it that alot of highly popular open source php code is so horribly bad? OScommerce is a perfect example....
    Because with tens of programmers pushing code into an application you can brute-force your way through most design problems

    Douglas
    Hello World

  7. #7
    eschew sesquipedalians silver trophy sweatje's Avatar
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    In the ages past, the GoF forged 23 design patterns of power.

    The 5 Creational patterns they gave to the elves.

    The 7 Structural patterns they gave to the dwarves.

    And the 11 Behavioral patterns were granted unto men.

    And one pattern was kept in secret. One pattern to confuse them all...MVC


  8. #8
    eschew sesquipedalians silver trophy sweatje's Avatar
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    @McGruff: If you need a little more scientific backing to your prayer, perhaps you need to review The Sacred Elements of the Faith

    Trying to be a bit humorous, but this is actually a very informative design pattern related site, for anyone else who is interested.

  9. #9
    simple tester McGruff's Avatar
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    Thanks for the link.

    The above was a true story. I was really struggling to figure out what was going on without separate tag processor classes to home in on, and unit tests to check exactly how they behave.

  10. #10
    eschew sesquipedalians silver trophy sweatje's Avatar
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    I believe the story was true, but I have never found out what "spraffle a gannet" is. Not even the mighty can find anything but your post

  11. #11
    simple tester McGruff's Avatar
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    Alas, members of the Gruff clan are sworn to secrecy about our ancient rituals on pain of pain.

  12. #12
    SitePoint Guru OfficeOfTheLaw's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sweatje
    I believe the story was true, but I have never found out what "spraffle a gannet" is. Not even the mighty can find anything but your post
    Yes... why do you insist in keeping us in suspense? We already know that customizing phpBB can be cruel and unusual punishment (even illegal in some places perhaps), but what we'd really like to know is what "spaffle a gannet" means!

    James Carr, Software Engineer


    assertEquals(newXPJob, you.ask(officeOfTheLaw));

  13. #13
    simple tester McGruff's Avatar
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    PHP Code:
    class GannetSpraffler
    {
        function 
    fetchGannetFromClifftopNest() 
        {
        }
        function 
    notDeadYet()
        {
        }
        function 
    attemptToStunGannet() 
        {
        }
        function 
    spraffleGannet() 
        {
        }
        function 
    healWounds() 
        {
        }
    }

    // in use:
    $mcgruff =& new GannetSpraffler;
    $mcgruff->fetchGannetFromClifftopNest();

    if(
    $mcgruff->notDeadYet())
    {
        
    $mcgruff->attemptToStunGannet();
    }
    if(
    $mcgruff->notDeadYet() and $gannet->isMadeSafe())
    {
        
    $mcgruff->spraffleGannet();
    }
    $mcgruff->healWounds(); 
    I was particularly proud of this year's attempt. A 50lb bull gannet got the spraffling of its (brief) life. The beak had to be surgically removed from my forehead.

  14. #14
    Non-Member coo_t2's Avatar
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    Check this out:
    http://www.google.com/search?q=Spraf...utf-8&oe=utf-8

    I think he's making words up.
    Although "spraffle a gannet" does have a very Scottish ring to it.

    --ed

    Edit:


    I just realized jason had already googled for the term.


  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by McGruff
    PHP Code:
    // in use:
    $mcgruff =& new GannetSpraffler;
    $mcgruff->fetchGannetFromClifftopNest();

    if(
    $mcgruff->notDeadYet())
    {
        
    $mcgruff->attemptToStunGannet();
    }
    if(
    $mcgruff->notDeadYet() and $gannet->isMadeSafe())
    {
        
    $mcgruff->spraffleGannet();
    }
    $mcgruff->healWounds(); 

  16. #16
    SitePoint Evangelist
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  17. #17
    simple tester McGruff's Avatar
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    I like the way they say: "In August/September young birds tumble off the rocks, learning to fly on the way down."

  18. #18
    eschew sesquipedalians silver trophy sweatje's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by McGruff
    I like the way they say: "In August/September young birds tumble off the rocks, learning to fly on the way down."
    A "crash" couse as it were Sort of like what happens to a McGruff if a Gannet recovers in mid Spraffle


    Congrats seratonin you get the sleuth award

  19. #19
    Mlle. Ledoyen silver trophy seanf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sweatje
    Congrats seratonin you get the sleuth award
    A quick Google will find you a Gannet

    Sean
    Harry Potter

    -- You lived inside my world so softly
    -- Protected only by the kindness of your nature

  20. #20
    SitePoint Wizard
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    But you still have not given us a good translation of "spraffle" and the ways it can be used.

  21. #21
    Mlle. Ledoyen silver trophy seanf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by arborint
    But you still have not given us a good translation of "spraffle" and the ways it can be used.
    I'd take spraffle as strangle/wrestle. Feel free to disagree though

    Sean
    Harry Potter

    -- You lived inside my world so softly
    -- Protected only by the kindness of your nature

  22. #22
    eschew sesquipedalians silver trophy sweatje's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seanf
    A quick Google will find you a Gannet

    Sean
    Yeah, I stopped after spraffle a gannet revealed only this thread. I lose the and the persistance awards.

  23. #23
    SitePoint Wizard
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    I'd take spraffle as strangle/wrestle. Feel free to disagree though
    I've only heard the word a few times, and then only north of Hadrian's Wall. But I always thought is meant junk or misc. stuff. And never used as a verb.

    It is rare enough that I think in honour of McGruff it should henceforth mean: to make ignorant statements about programming. It can be referred by the acronyms STG or RTFPoEE! Example, "Marston sure spraffled the gannet is that last post. "


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